Chandler, AZ - Dick Weede, spokesperson for Goober ride service, announced today the firing of all their human drivers, at a small press conference at Chandler Fashion Center.
“We solved the last issues with self-driving cars. We used to have to send drivers to babysit the computer driving the car, sometimes two or three to keep up with the computer’s blue screens, beeps, messages, flashing leds, and such.
“It used to give up when it had to merge or pull out into heavy fast traffic. It used to be so very afraid of everything.
“We finally realized we had to incorporate key features into our computer. Now, we can fire all our human drivers!
“The key features in our computer-driven cars today:
Texting while driving
Cutting people off
Coming close to bicycles
Making right turns into pedestrians
Smacking into trash cans
Changing lanes continuously
Driving in two lanes at once
Running from cops
Running red lights (only when it’s safe)
Mixing gasoline with alcohol
“We even fitted a giant finger that flips up randomly for no good reason. We are thinking of fitting a machine gun for some markets like the South side of Chicago.
“We also dispense aspartame flavored pop to our passengers. Ridership is way up!
“Our new motto:
We drive the way you WANT to but don’t DARE to.”