Grant County, Wisconsin. A demonically possessed teddy bear with glowing red eyes and razor-sharp teeth crawled silently into the bed of Platteville resident, Clive Johnson, 39, and decided NOT to stab him in the face with an extremely large steak knife last Thursday morning at 3:00 am.
Despite the fact that the "witching hour" would have been a most convenient time to strike the independent, lonely soul during his sleep, the ancient and horrific demon in control of the stuffed animal stopped on impulse after realizing that its intended prey may actually be too sad to destroy.
Feeling a sudden awareness that it should look around the apartment first, the 'huggable teddy' crawled over to a barren desk and discovered a romance novel that Clive was working on.
After seeing that it was 'two paragraphs long' and that it was based on Clive's own personal experiences with women, the timeless entity from Hell then looked underneath a nearby couch and pulled out a diary titled, "Really Exciting Things That Have Happened."
Upon analyzing and synthesizing all of the information that was contained in written notes, such as: "Dear Diary, I Got Laid," (dated June 12, 2002)…"Dear Diary, I Got Laid Again," (dated October 14, 2009)...and "Awesome, I Got Laid a Third Time" (dated November 15, 2013), the roaring, vicious entity that had gained access to the stuffed animal released itself and decided to possess numerous teachers and reverends instead so that it could gain a proper platform in which to attack mass hordes of phony, insecure, soulless, valueless, power-hungry, controlling people within religious and educational institutions who pretend to be happy on a daily basis.