Bank of America Brags that at Least It Never Sold Oxycontin

Written by Chrissy Benson

Saturday, 25 May 2019

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Bank of America CEO Brian Moynihan was thrilled to truthfully announce that, apart from the bank's history of fraudulent acts and misuse of customers' cash, at least it never sold the prescription opioid Oxycontin, the highly addictive nature of which, it's now alleged, was intentionally concealed by manufacturer Purdue Pharma.

"Our conduct is impeccable compared to that of Purdue," raved Moynihan, who, in 2017, was awarded a several-million-dollar bump in salary based, in part, on his impeccable executive performance. "Purdue faces thousands of lawsuits due to its aggressive marketing of Oxycontin and the way it knowingly misled people about its risks. We're pleased to announce that not a single person has suggested, or even implied, that Bank of America lied to anyone about the potential dangers of Oxycontin."

When it was pointed out to him that BoA is a bank, not a pharmaceutical company, and that it is only to be expected that no bank would ever be involved in the marketing of a prescription pain medication, Moynihan agreed completely.

"Exactly," he confirmed. "And we never will."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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