Cereal Killer Terrorizes Suburban Indianapolis

Written by Chrissy Benson

Tuesday, 7 May 2019

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No cereal is safe from the cereal killer at large in Indianapolis, who's been known to down entire boxes at a time.

A cereal killer who's been nicknamed the "Bowl Over Boy" has been terrorizing households in suburban Indianapolis in recent weeks, raiding pantries, rifling through cabinets, and leaving no cereal in the Indianapolis metro area, whether whole-grain or sickeningly sweet, uneaten.

"We're particularly concerned about the effect this rampage has been having on preschoolers and kindergarteners," said Indianapolis Police Chief Myron Buckley. "They're extremely attached to their breakfast cereals, and the trauma of this outbreak can't be overstated."

The cereal killer spree has likewise had a severely detrimental effect on the nutrient intake of the many Indianapolis adults who rely on fortified processed grains for the modicum of fiber they ingest on a daily basis. It was no good morning "cheerio" for 53-year-old Lester Mulligan, who opened his pantry door to find all three boxes of the traditional and Honey Nut Cheerios he'd been counting on as the one (relatively) whole grain in his diet utterly demolished.

"I haven't gone number two in almost a week," said Lester. "It's getting to be a problem.

Despite the devastation wreaked by the as-yet-unapprehended Bowl Over Boy, police say that they are optimistic. "We're currently pursuing a trail of oat bran crumbs," said Chief Buckley. "We're going to milk this lead for all its worth."

In the meantime, however, in order to prevent temper tantrums and tears from toddlers left rudderless without thejr Captain Crunch, it is recommended that families temporarily transition their breakfast routines from boxed cereals to steel-cut oats.

"The Bowl Over Boy is clever and a sucker for unrefined grains, but he likes to get in and out real fast," explained Chief Buckley. "He hasn't got time to mess with cooking those."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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