Trump’s Tax Returns, School Grades And SAT Scores Released By WikiLeaks

Written by K.C. Bell

Saturday, 13 April 2019

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Following the eviction of Julian Assange and his cat from the Ecuadorian Embassy in London, an information dump to all the world news agencies was automatically released, spilling out Donald Trump’s tax returns for the last ten years, high school and college records, and his SAT scores.

At first, news agencies were convinced the information released was a joke by one of any number of satirists or a media prankster, but the cover letter to the agencies gave them some pause:

“You dirty rats. If a day before the statute of limitations runs out, I'm arrested and carried out of the Ecuadorian Embassy in London, by the weak-kneed British police, executing a warrant issued by that two-faced, no-neck, Donald Trump zero, all his hidden information will automatically be released by WikiLeaks. The collection will include his tax returns, school grades and SAT scores. I promised Trump that WikiLeaks would get him into the White House, but if he squealed and had me arrested, WikiLeaks would get him out."

The kid in the mailroom, working the night shift, quickly brushed away the tax information and went straight for the SAT scores. “Holy cow!” and dropped to his knees. The scores were not just low; they were below average.

“This is 25th Amendment ammunition. If Russia were to publish this stuff, we’d be the laughing stock of the whole world. How could our educational system have provided him with a college degree?”

“They didn’t. The college needed Trump's desk and moved him out. He thinks he has a degree but doesn’t.”

“These scores are so low, how does he use a fork and knife?”

“He eats hamburgers all day, remember.”

The tax returns were a jigsaw puzzle giving truth to the excuse that Trump's returns were still being audited. But if the IRS were to arrange for one hundred monkeys in a room with Trump's records, the monkeys might sort out the puzzle and conclude the audit.

There was a footnote attached to the Julian Assange cover letter:

"Pardon me fast, or WikiLeaks will release how election night votes were flipped."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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