A federal project designed to reintroduce the threatened population of bureaucrats (Bureacratus bureaucratus) to the private sector has been deemed a failure based on a new report by the Department of the Interior.
The program was originally scheduled to run for "a very long time" according to President Trump, but was cut short after just 35 days. "Based on our experience during the past few weeks," the president stated, in an executive order ending the experiment, "It was clear that bureaucrats just are not suited for life in the private sector at this time."
The report cites several examples of how the experiment failed, including a particularly tragic example in which one of the bureaucrats almost came to harm. Richard Schnell is a co-manager of a copy room in the Department of Redundancies Department, Bureau of Repeat Replications. He was chosen because he was a very non-essential, non-essential employee.
At the beginning of the study, he was fitted with a tracking collar and his movements were monitored. He left work on a Friday afternoon with a large paycheck. He went to a bar and joined some friends for cocktails, each of which cost $15.00. He had an expensive dinner, attended a concert and went to an after party. Saturday's routine was the same, but by Sunday he was stuck at home eating macaroni and cheese, and by Monday evening, he was sleeping in a box in an alley.
"We were amazed at how quickly his standard of living declined," a Department of Interior Anthropologist, Rebbecca Stayner, reported. "It was as if he had never used money before." Unfortunately, Richard Schnell's case was not unique. "Of the 380,000 bureaucrats involved in the study, a full 380,000 experienced some distress."
"It's too early to say whether the experiment will be repeated." Ms. Stayner said, "but as long as there is a shortage of workers in the private sector, we will continue to look at ways to introduce non-essential bureaucrats into that population."