Written by Sasa Stankovic

Friday, 1 February 2019

image for Freezing Chicago Fireman Hoping for Nice, Warm Neighborhood Fire

As Minnesota, Wisconsin, and Illinois continue to struggle with the polar vortex cold snap, people are trying to come up with imaginative and often unorthodox ways to stay warm in sub-zero temperatures.

A member of the Chicago fire brigade has confirmed that there is nothing he would like more than to encounter a nice, warm and cuddly fire, possibly engulfing an entire neighbourhood.

“Yes, there is heating in our station”, he said, “but after many years in this line of work, I assure you that nothing, and I mean nothing, keeps you warm on freezing nights as well as a wild and uncontrolled fire destroying everything in its path.”

“Just last night, we went out after receiving a call about a house on fire. I wasn’t impressed. You see, a burning middle-class home does not radiate nearly enough heat to warm up a group of people standing in front of it. Not my team and me, not in this cold. We reluctantly put it down.”

“Anyway, what you need to properly warm-up in this Arctic weather is something much bigger, a huge fire which will engulf at least several city blocks, if not the entire neighborhood.

“Of course, I don’t want anyone to get hurt. We would get people out of their homes. If they want to get out. I wouldn’t be surprised if some of them chose to remain in their burning homes, if the other option was freezing to death.”

“I wouldn’t exactly be cheerful if it happened. I don’t want you to think that I’m an arsonist or anything.”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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