Upper Midwest, including Minnesota and Wisconsin. Now burrrr-ied under subarctic temperatures reminiscent of the POLAR VORTEX, literally millions of Americans are huddled in their thermal skivvies and parkas, shivering like nervous Chihuahuas.
As little sign of relief appears on the horizon, investigative reporters are discovering that the abominable temperatures are taking their toll on folks both young and old alike.
"I used to monitor my neighbors," said a shaky Elma Hinder, "but with an inch of ice covering my kitchen window, I can't see anything. They could be murdering each other for all I know, or selling the Meth, and I wouldn't know a thing. Maybe I should call the cops just as a precaution."
"I quit my job," said Karl Schnard, Head of Associate Recruitment at the local Home Depot, "because the commute was like torture. My feet stuck to the pedals, and when I tried to pull them free, the soles popped off my shoes. You should have heard the ribbing my coworkers gave me. No job is worth that."
When asked how long his commute was, he replied, "Oh, it's just three blocks down the highway. But still. If I had to buy new shoes every day, well, where's the incentive to work? Where? I'm asking you, where?"
One little girl, Annie Bump, stood crying in the street, her tears and snizzle forming long icicles down her face. "I took my dog out for a walk. Blinkers. And he just exploded into ice shards. Just like that. He yelped a little, and then KA-BOOM! I've never seen anything like it. KA-BOOM! Then the crows ate the tidbits, and now I don't have a dog anymore! Oh, Blinkers!"
"I've refused to watch competitive ice skating," said Erma Welts. "Even in my cozy living room with a big fire in the fireplace. Brings back too many bad memories."
When asked to elaborate, Erma swore at reporters for their insensitivity and then proceeded: "My husband Earl went to work at Walmart last week. He never misses a day. I'm not sure why. The pay is terrible. Anyway, when he went to work, his hands froze to the steering wheel--he has, had, sweaty hands. Poor man was so nervous all the time--the pressure of greeting customers was getting to him."
Erma drank hot tea without offering any to reporters, continuing, "He just sat there, trying to pull his hands off, and they wouldn't budge. He yelled and screamed, but no one heard on account of no one else went to work that day. News Flash: IT'S FRIGGING FREEZING OUTSIDE! Then he ran out of fuel and he froze to death like a Swanson's pot pie. Oh, the horror. Now I'll never watch ice skating while eating Swanson's pot pies. It was one of our favorite things to do." She sniffed and told the reporters to leave or she'd shoot them without hesitation with her new shotgun, recently purchased with Earl's Walmart employee discount. "That employee discount really came in handy," she sighed, loading her shotgun.
On TV, a perky young reporter reminded viewers to dress in layers while she sat sleeveless under studio lighting.
She was immediately fired.
Meteorologists anticipate that millions of Americans may find a tiny bit of relief from the wickedly cruel temperatures sometime in May. Until then, undoubtedly, the horror will continue. Updates as warranted.