Bohemians Help House River Homeless

Funny story written by stephen d gross

Tuesday, 18 December 2018

In an unprecedented and totally unexpected gesture of compassion and generosity, the Bohemian Club has voted to allow its seasonal Monte Rio retreat to be used to shelter Sonoma County's homeless.

"We've got dozens of cabins just sitting empty for some 50 weeks a year" announced club spokesman, Red Rumpole at an April 1 press conference, and we might as well put them to good use.

The Grove has room to accommodate about a thousand individuals and is virtually empty other than for the two-week period during which the members have their encampment.

"We've gotten some negative publicity as of late, what with all this talk about abusing children and human sacrifice," stated Rumpole, while chewing on a small femur, "and we want the locals and the world to know we're supportive when it comes to the need of the community."

Rumpole's reference was to apparently-inflammatory remarks and graphics featured on the website, and on the radio talk show hosted by Texan Alex Jones (A cousin of infamous cult leader, Jim Jones).

Jones's images and allegations led recently, to the nighttime "invasion" of the Grove's Monte Rio acreage by former Eagle Scout, Jeremy McMuslin, who is currently incarcerated in Monte Rio School's after-school detention room on charges of possession of illegal weaponry and Crossing State Lines to Commit Mayhem. With bail set at $1.98, McMuslin is expected to remain in the detention room until his next scheduled hearing in June, 2006.

"We know people (especially you 'lefties' and 'pinkos') think of us as elitist power brokers who enjoy our revels and self-indulgences, and we want to prove to the world we really care."

Suggestions that the temporary residents may be asked to do some work in return for their accommodations "is simply not true", said Rumpole, and "only those who are bonafide Club members may participate in our ceremonies and rituals."

For the Grove's protection, each "guest" will be asked to sign binding contracts and put up a bond to ensure against theft and damage to Grove property.

"We know it's unconventional", advised Rumpole, "but we feel justified in asking the Donor Clause be honored in case there are problems."

Because the majority of those who will be staying at Bohemian Grove are insolvent, the contract will carry a proviso entitling the Club to any profits realized by the sale of human organs, should any of the recipients have the misfortune to meet with ("God forbid", intoned Rumpole) a serious accident.

"All we need with our deep pockets is to be held liable for a mishap - our attorneys have advised us to make sure our a---s are covered".

The County Board of Supervisors hailed the Grove's proposal as "a creative and painless solution to an ongoing problem", and pledged to waive any permit fees the Bohemian Club might incur in their efforts to make the homeless feel more secure and comfortable.

Applications may be dropped off at the Grove and will be screened by a team of Bohemian Club and County staff members during the next few months.

Grove To Open Gates to County Homeless
by Charles Krautsickle

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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