Funeral Service To Be Held Next Sunday

Written by Wesley Janson

Sunday, 9 December 2018

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La Crosse, Wisconsin. 56-year-old Charles Sterling died horribly in a Chinese restaurant last Tuesday when he accidentally ate a piece of broccoli.

After numerous years of consuming TV dinners, bacon, eggs, cheese curds, steak, deep-fried chicken, ramen noodles, salted peanuts, beans, Cheetos, hamburgers, Mountain Dew, barbeque ribs, Swedish meatballs, pork sausages, grilled hot dogs, Campbell's Chunky Soup, tacos, crab rangoons, venison, twice-baked potatoes, corn flakes, microwavable burritos, pizza, ice cream, candy bars, Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, and Black Velvet Whiskey, Mr. Sterling's highly toxic body was completely unprepared to receive the nutrients that the vegetable had to offer.

According to witnesses, the piece of broccoli accidentally fell on his plate around 4:00 pm as he was loading up on Mongolian Beef and pan-fried noodles. Unaware that the vegetable was there, Mr. Sterling drove truck loads of food into his mouth while blissfully staring at the perfectly-formed ass of the waitress who had seated him.

At precisely 4:25 pm, the vitamins, folate, dietary fiber, and selenium that was contained in the vegetable caused his heart to lock up and his digestive system to fail.

Much to the chagrin of onlookers, liquid feces then sprayed uncontrollably out of his anus, and his face exploded.

Mr. Sterling is survived by his highly-unsatisfied wife, Dorothy, and 3 children who are currently doing poorly in school. Funeral Services will be held at Saint Eugene's Cathedral of Remorseful Penitence next Sunday.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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