Fuck My Face, Wisconsin. Feeling completely disillusioned with life after realizing that this world operates on nothing more than egotistical human desire, pride, money, sex, hypocrisy, hopeless striving for power, stupidity, whimsical behavior, isolated perspectives, judgment, irreplaceable hierarchies of control, meaningless Church attendance, and profoundly massive (unholy) amounts of "circus-like" bullshit, Stanley Jay, 38, came home last Friday and consumed 23 bottles of Bud Light Lime in order to self-medicate and escape reality.
Finding themselves 'uneased' by the dark sarcasm that emanated from the very being of the hard-hearted Stanley, reporters asked why he continually buries all of his hatred, anger, and disillusionment with life in 'perfectly-recyclable' bottles of beer.
"All you have to do is live for about 40 years and observe people, " Stanley told reporters. "And you will see the same patterns over and over again. Young women with 'daddy issues', who screw every male they possibly can in search of fulfillment, and stupid alpha-male 'wannabes' who think they are 'king of the world', and who refuse to 'take shit' from anybody. It's a boring and repetitive pattern that will never end," he added.
Stanley was also nice (and drunk) enough to provide reporters with an example from his own workplace, by describing a 'bone-headed, egotistical, butt-licking, shit-swallowing, toilet water-drinking, criminal, jerk-off, fuckface, macho, douche-bag asshole who happens to be screwing a young, naïve, woman who finds pride, joy, and fulfillment in the simple fact that she is getting laid.
When further asked if there was the slightest hope of 'True Love' existing in this World, or perhaps even a 'shining light' of something to believe in, Stanley replied that the best lessons are learned in the younger stages of life when your fragile heart is actually shattered into pieces, as the object of your affection happily finds somebody else while wretched tears of agony and sorrow roll down your face.
"Peace and contentment with existence will happen when your feelings die inside, and your heart becomes the cold, little black stone that it was always meant to be," Stanley concluded, before recycling his empty beer bottles.
