Written by Wesley Janson

Thursday, 29 November 2018

image for Picture of Extremely Ugly and Dysfunctional Family Displayed on Widescreen Monitor in Employee Break Room

Ohio. Employees at Bob & Todd's Professional Brushworks, a factory that assembles and distributes industrial brooms throughout the Midwest, were shocked and horrified last Monday when a rather upsetting image was displayed on the widescreen monitor in the break room area.

In a desperate effort to add cheer to the holiday season, the administrative staff at Bob & Todd's began accepting and displaying family pictures of employees on the widescreen monitor located in the break room above the vending machines. Once used only for showing company updates, important safety procedures, statistics, and work-related information, the screen now displays numerous photos of employees and their families pretending to look happy.

When a picture of Robert Ditman and his ugly, pathetic, useless, dysfunctional family was displayed on the widescreen monitor at 9:25am last Monday, numerous employees cut their breaks short in order to go back to work.

Ditman, a 49-year-old assembly line worker at Bob & Todd's, had submitted a holiday picture of his family on Friday of the previous week without considering the harm it would cause his fellow co-workers.

The picture (which will not be shown in this article due to its graphic nature) was taken in the Ditmans' living room by a neighbor who stopped over to visit the family on Thanksgiving. The appalling image shows Robert Ditman, an aging, balding, alcoholic asshole, embracing his 48-year-old wife, Martha Ditman, a bossy, controlling, materialistic, valueless, self-centered bitch. Kneeling on the floor in front of them are their hideous children: Sandy, Randy, Candy, and Andy. (Their 5th child, Caleb, was not in the photograph because he was aborted as a fetus.)

Sandy Ditman, 27, is a complete and total bitch just like her mother. Her need to control everything, her Narcissistic Personality Disorder, her infidelity, and her extremely violent mood swings have already led to two divorces and a massive amount of legal problems. She recently got into a horrible argument with one of her boyfriends, and police are still looking for his body.

Randy, 25, works in a tire factory a few miles away from Bob & Todd's. His hobbies include drinking beer, wearing pants with holes in them, telling his friends how 'cool' he is, repeating cliché jokes, sticking his finger up his ass, and getting into bar fights. He physically resembles his father, Robert, and he is also just as much of an asshole. Last year, he got a big tattoo on his chest that says, "FUCK THIS SHIT!" He considers it his biggest accomplishment in life.

Candy, 22, dropped out of community college two weeks ago when she found out she was pregnant. She has no idea who the father is. Her plan is to raise the child herself and eventually go back to school. Because she makes plenty of money as a stripper, she may actually be able to achieve her goals. Her most favorite things in life are flowers, fancy cars, and penises.

Andy, 17, is currently failing high school. He appears cognitively confused and physically drained as a result of drug use, and the 'vitamin-deficient' look on his face seems to indicate that he will experience disappointment and failure in the future.

Because it was so incredibly goddamn hideous and disturbing, the picture was removed from the widescreen monitor on Tuesday, and Robert Ditman was fired on Wednesday.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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