George Saunders's recent book, Lincoln in the Bardo, recounts how the 16th President spent some time in a Washington cemetery mausoleum after the death of his son Willie, being pestered by quirky ghosts. Yet, this is only the latest in a long line of historical instances where Presidents experienced certain formative, personally expressive, and clearly dramatic moments. As a service to all Presidential history buffs, our diligent research staff here at anticerasuckers.com have compiled a list of these Presidential experiences.
Tommy Jefferson in a Paris Bordello: Sage of Monticello fully engaged in the true jeu d'esprit of the Frenchy Revolution.
John Quincy Adams Mired in a Mirror: Sixth POTUS caught in the vainglory of grizzled mutton-chops worship.
Andy Jackson in the Outhouse: "Old Hickory" carrying out the most consequential intellectual efforts of his Presidency.
Zack Taylor Bashes the Beaners: Reliving his glory days in the Mexican War, ol' Zackeroony whacks the crap out of an array of piñatas shaped like enemy generalistas.
Jay Buchanan in the DC Turkish Baths: First presumably gay President indulging his proclivities with contemporary Potomac like-minded riffraff.
Teddy Roosevelt in a Pit of Angry Pelts: Ol' Rough Rider is no match for the pissed off numinae of all slaughtered species he killed on various safaris and hunts.
Willie Taft Stuck in a Drafty Bath: The rotund President communes with Epson Salt spirits while waiting in vain for help from a reluctant White House staff, averse to pulling slimy ol' Flabster from the porcelain swamp.
Woody Wilson in Bloomers: Proto-Progressive sets the definitive fashion statement for his ideological movement by cross-dressing for state dinners in pink bloomers, violet hose with burgundy garters, burgundy evening dress, and Homburg hat.
Frankie Roosevelt in Constitutional Dystopia: Frankie's recurring dream vision placed him in charge of all branches of the U. S. Government. Congress was jammed with Roosie-clones; and at Supreme Court it was legal Nirvana, because all the justices were Frankie himself.
Jack Kennedy in a Mafioso's Moll: Randy Jacko went down on Sam Gianconna's babe at the same time the disastrous Bay of Pigs' Cuban invasion went down, so the double-screw was in ---not only the Moll but also freedom loving Cubans.
"Tex" Johnson in the Scar Display Cinerama: Big Lyndon ("Tex") was delighted to show his surgical scars to all and sundry. "Tex" set up a special room in the White House to show cinematically all his incisions continuously to the Press Corps, tourists, and, by special invitation only, to Jackie Kennedy.
Dick Nixon in a Pixie Ballet: The old Trickster himself engaged in his secret passion for dancing among "little people" [i.e. dwarfs] garbed like they're out of A Midsummer Night's Dream.
Jimmy Carter in the Peanut Inferno: Enraged peanut demons torture POTUS 39, exacting revenge for previously roasting their fellow goobers by doing the same to ol' Jimmy's gonads.
H. W. Bush at the Grab-Ass Festival: Bush 41 speeding---wheelchair all a-rattling--- toward rapidly retreating Maine babes at the annual Kennebunkport Bun Questers Fete.
Bubba Clinton in the Little Rock Intern Arcade: An integral section of the Clinton Presidential Library is what is fondly known as the Intern Arcade, where the former Gov&Pres "counsels" the careers of female interns while they learn first hand about predatory sexual behavior.
Obama in the Royal Hot Tub: His Excellency the Big "O" holds court in a jacuzzi funded by George Soros. A passel of distaff liberal loonies---Susan Sarandon, Jane Fonda, Nancy Pelosi, Maxine Waters, Loretta Lynch, Susan Rice, etc.---await their personal "bubble moments" with Kahuna POTUS. Yikes!
Trump in Tweetdom: The Donald romps deliriously in the Tweet-a-sphere, verbally jousting with Washington swamp critters, and skewering them with Deplorable-inspired put-downs.
