Written by Trinculoman

Friday, 17 November 2017

image for Little Known Stories of Remarkable U. S. Presidential Moments

George Saunders's recent book, Lincoln in the Bardo, recounts how the 16th President spent some time in a Washington cemetery mausoleum after the death of his son Willie, being pestered by quirky ghosts. Yet, this is only the latest in a long line of historical instances where Presidents experienced certain formative, personally expressive, and clearly dramatic moments. As a service to all Presidential history buffs, our diligent research staff here at anticerasuckers.com have compiled a list of these Presidential experiences.

Tommy Jefferson in a Paris Bordello: Sage of Monticello fully engaged in the true jeu d'esprit of the Frenchy Revolution.

John Quincy Adams Mired in a Mirror: Sixth POTUS caught in the vainglory of grizzled mutton-chops worship.

Andy Jackson in the Outhouse: "Old Hickory" carrying out the most consequential intellectual efforts of his Presidency.

Zack Taylor Bashes the Beaners: Reliving his glory days in the Mexican War, ol' Zackeroony whacks the crap out of an array of piƱatas shaped like enemy generalistas.

Jay Buchanan in the DC Turkish Baths: First presumably gay President indulging his proclivities with contemporary Potomac like-minded riffraff.

Teddy Roosevelt in a Pit of Angry Pelts: Ol' Rough Rider is no match for the pissed off numinae of all slaughtered species he killed on various safaris and hunts.

Willie Taft Stuck in a Drafty Bath: The rotund President communes with Epson Salt spirits while waiting in vain for help from a reluctant White House staff, averse to pulling slimy ol' Flabster from the porcelain swamp.

Woody Wilson in Bloomers: Proto-Progressive sets the definitive fashion statement for his ideological movement by cross-dressing for state dinners in pink bloomers, violet hose with burgundy garters, burgundy evening dress, and Homburg hat.

Frankie Roosevelt in Constitutional Dystopia: Frankie's recurring dream vision placed him in charge of all branches of the U. S. Government. Congress was jammed with Roosie-clones; and at Supreme Court it was legal Nirvana, because all the justices were Frankie himself.

Jack Kennedy in a Mafioso's Moll: Randy Jacko went down on Sam Gianconna's babe at the same time the disastrous Bay of Pigs' Cuban invasion went down, so the double-screw was in ---not only the Moll but also freedom loving Cubans.

"Tex" Johnson in the Scar Display Cinerama: Big Lyndon ("Tex") was delighted to show his surgical scars to all and sundry. "Tex" set up a special room in the White House to show cinematically all his incisions continuously to the Press Corps, tourists, and, by special invitation only, to Jackie Kennedy.

Dick Nixon in a Pixie Ballet: The old Trickster himself engaged in his secret passion for dancing among "little people" [i.e. dwarfs] garbed like they're out of A Midsummer Night's Dream.

Jimmy Carter in the Peanut Inferno: Enraged peanut demons torture POTUS 39, exacting revenge for previously roasting their fellow goobers by doing the same to ol' Jimmy's gonads.

H. W. Bush at the Grab-Ass Festival: Bush 41 speeding---wheelchair all a-rattling--- toward rapidly retreating Maine babes at the annual Kennebunkport Bun Questers Fete.

Bubba Clinton in the Little Rock Intern Arcade: An integral section of the Clinton Presidential Library is what is fondly known as the Intern Arcade, where the former Gov&Pres "counsels" the careers of female interns while they learn first hand about predatory sexual behavior.

Obama in the Royal Hot Tub: His Excellency the Big "O" holds court in a jacuzzi funded by George Soros. A passel of distaff liberal loonies---Susan Sarandon, Jane Fonda, Nancy Pelosi, Maxine Waters, Loretta Lynch, Susan Rice, etc.---await their personal "bubble moments" with Kahuna POTUS. Yikes!

Trump in Tweetdom: The Donald romps deliriously in the Tweet-a-sphere, verbally jousting with Washington swamp critters, and skewering them with Deplorable-inspired put-downs.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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