Wisconsin. Brad Matthews, a pathetic little 23-year-old douche bag, got a management job last Wednesday by sucking corporate ass and fucking his way to the top.
"It wasn't that hard," Brad told reporters. "Well, my penis was, when I bent the administrative assistant over her desk, and repeatedly gave it to her from behind," he added.
Matthews, who has no intelligence or integrity whatsoever, said that he had lots of fun 'ass-fucking' local resident and total slut, Jill Peterson, who accidentally had a child after spreading her legs apart and letting the entire high school football team fuck her during a winning season in 2015.
Unable to support Jill and her child, Brad moved on to bigger and better things by relocating to the West Coast where he was offered a management job by CEO John Clemens, who had previously congratulated him for passing corporate training.
"Young people with determination like this are going to make it to the top," John Clemens told reporters.
Upon further investigation, news reporters discovered that Jill Peterson's mother, Tammy Peterson, accidentally had Jill after letting the entire high school football team fuck her in 1996 and that she was the head of the Human Resources Department that was responsible for giving both Brad and Jill a job in the first place.
After the entire story was uncovered, lead reporter, William Jacobs, became completely disillusioned with life, puked all over the place, and screamed the words "This is our future," before shooting himself in the face.
(If you have a passion for news and good writing, we currently have a lead reporting position available.)