Midwest. In a fast-paced world full of human judgment, isolated agendas, stress, pressure, fear, loneliness, broken promises, failed dreams, backstabbing, heart-ache, divorce, meaningless noise, and constant bullshit, Roger Jacobs, 39, came home feeling empty inside last Sunday after singing numerous hymns in between regularly scheduled (5-10 minute) sermons repeatedly telling him that 'Jesus Loves Him.'
Roger told reporters that it was difficult to believe that there is an All-Loving, All-Powerful, Omniscient Generator of Human Life in charge of all things, seen and unseen, ranging from the vast expanses of Outer-Space to the very depths of the Oceans below as he was sitting in an uncomfortable chair singing hymns that were most likely made during ancient (or perhaps even medieval) times while staring at the gothic, creepy, 'Romanesque architecture' of the Church building itself.
"It didn't create the warm, cozy feeling that I was looking for inside as my sensitive and troubled soul makes it through this belligerent world full of strife and conflict," Roger told lead reporter, Michael Fuckstain. "The repetitive message that 'Jesus died for me' also didn't seem to help either," he further confessed.
Feeling both 'empty' and 'creeped out' after every church sermon, Roger has now successfully turned to excessive alcohol and tobacco consumption in order to provide a feeling of happiness that he simply can't describe.