Democrats Look to Jesus to Win Elections

Funny story written by Dave Henry

Sunday, 7 October 2018

image for Democrats Look to Jesus to Win Elections
This guy is running for Congress

Democrats, sick of losing to Republicans, have launched a new political campaign strategy to take back Jesus.

Back in the 1960s and 1970s, the left-wing hippies loved Jesus. With their long hair and flowing garments, they even looked like Jesus. With their talk of peace and love and frequent use of the word "man", Conservatives hated them, calling them 'Jesus Freaks'. The left-wing even had people like George Harrison and Bob Dylan singing songs about Jesus, while right-wingers were stomping to drug-addled, boozing anti-establishment heathens like Lynyrd Skynyrd and Charlie Daniels -- the latter of whom actually lost that fiddle battle to the Devil, if you ask me.

But, somewhere in the late 70s, early 80s, the Right stole Jesus from the Left, and with it, they started winning elections.

Now, a group of Democratic strategists plan to bring back the Left-wing Jesus Freaks to run for office and take over religion in the country.

"We will canvas the country looking to spread the word of Jesus, not the straight-laced Republican version of Jesus, but the long-haired, peace and love hippy version of Jesus," said Senate Majority Leader Chick Scoomer. "We will be putting these Left-wing Jesus-lovers on ballots in all 50 states."

Scoomer believes it is a brilliant strategy to break the Republican stranglehold on religion.

"Everyone knows that Republicans will reflexively go against anything Democrats like or dislike," said Senate Majority Leader Scoomer. "Remember when Republicans used to hate Russia? Obama put sanctions on them, and now Republicans love everything about Russia and Putin – even their hacking of our elections!"

"Same goes for the national debt. Remember when Republican teabaggers railed against the national debt? Obama starts lowering the deficit, and now Republicans, all of a sudden, don’t care about deficits or the national debt, and have embraced the free-spending ways of their President Trump," said Scoomer.

"Same goes with North Korea, extra-marital affairs by politicians, and NFL football. The right loves King Jong-un, has no problem with politicians having affairs, and hates the NFL."

"We made the right-wingers turn against the NFL just by supporting the rights of the kneelers," said Scoomer. "That’s huge. NFL football has always been a bastion of conservativism, but now we made the Right hate football. And TV ratings for the NFL are up without them, so good riddance. Now, we’ve got the good sports – basketball and football – and they’re stuck with the boring sports -- hockey and baseball. If we can take football away from the Right-wingers, we can take back Jesus,” said Scoomer.

“If we play our cards right, we'll have Republicans reflexively turning away from Jesus in no time."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more