Written by Dave Henry

Wednesday, 12 September 2018

image for Experts Say Sharkicane Could Be "Worse than a Sharknado"
Americans should take every precaution to avoid flying whales from this Sharkicane

Americans on the eastern seaboard are preparing for a Sharkicane that experts say could be even worse than a Sharknado.

A sharknado is a storm that is so powerful, it sucks up all the sharks out of the ocean into the eye of the tornado, only to spin them out on to the population when the sharknado makes landfall. The sharks that shoot out of the tornado then attack the public, biting their heads off, as well as other parts of their bodies.

The devastating impacts of sharknados were chronicled in a series of documentaries that aired on the SciFi channel, the last airing in August called "The Last Sharknado: It's About Time," which showed the real life impacts of a series of sharknados that brought people back in time.

This storm that's bearing down on the Carolinas this week is expected to be worse than any of the past sharknados, said Harry Schmedlap, director of the Federal Emergency Sharknado Center, or FESC. It will not just suck up the sharks, it will suck up all of the fish in the sea.

"We believe that this storm will be a fully-fledged, category 5, Sharkicane,” said Schmedlap. Schmedlap said this massive Sharkicane is the size of Michigan and is extremely dangerous.

People in the path of the Sharkicane should be on high alert that they could be attacked by any number of fish from the storm. It could be something as minor as a slap across the face from a flounder, or it could be something as devastating as a whale landing on your home or loved ones, a shark biting your head off, or a kraken scooping you up in its tentacles.

"Sharks, killer whales, giant squids, octopus, and even krakens: There's no telling what fish could come out of this Sharkicane and attack you or your loved ones,” said Schmedlap. "We urge everyone in its path to evacuate and if you don't evacuate, make sure you have a giant umbrella to protect yourself from the flying fish."

Chainsaws, baseball bats, guns, and even light sabers are also recommended to defend oneself from the more aggressive predators that fly out of the Sharkicane.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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