Area Man Thinks Ex Still Cares

Written by Michael Sienicki

Wednesday, 12 September 2018


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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image for Area Man Thinks Ex Still Cares
Steve in his natural habitat, waiting for the call that will never come.

Years have come and gone since their inevitable break-up, yet local Burbank, CA resident, Steve Shaw, has continued to convince himself that the depressing fire that burns within his hopeless soul has somehow been reciprocated by his longtime ex-girlfriend, Lana Jared.

According to Steve, their relationship came to an end because he “cared too much”, and that Lana “had always been a bit of a free spirit. Real piss and vinegar that one. No one could really tie her down--well--except for Matt...and Ryan...and Sean...and that one Australian guy -- but those were rarities. Other than them, she was a lone wolf.”

When asked how he gathered such an intricate knowledge of her dating history, Steve replied, “Don’t look at me like that.” And, “I don’t care what she does with her life. I don’t. Really. Why are you still giving me that look? I’m not stalking her or anything. Listen, it’s not my fault she doesn’t know how to navigate the privacy settings on Facebook.”

Despite his inability to make eye-contact, and his obvious unhealthy obsession, we asked Steve why he felt that she still had any shred of concern for whether he was alive or dead. He answered, “She called me a few months ago when she was going through a hard time. She obviously felt I was the only one that she could turn to. That has to mean something, right?”

When we suggested that perhaps she only went to him because she knew he wouldn’t be doing anything better on a Saturday night, and that he was coming off as a hapless rube, Steve went on the defensive. “You don’t know her like I do, man. She’s full of piss and vinegar. She’s a firecracker that one.”

Steve then promptly escorted us from his studio apartment. We were left with no choice but to gather the opinion of his closest friend, Jimmy Coleman.

“He’s still going on about her?” Jimmy began of Steve. “Jesus, I thought he’d gotten over this. What a fucking retard.”

When asked to elaborate on the subject, Jimmy hesitated not. “Dude, they were never even in a relationship. They dated for, like, three weeks. Ever since, he’s been talking about how ‘she’s full of piss and vinegar’--what the fuck does that even mean? He needs professional help.”

At the behest of Jimmy, before we left for our flight, we stopped at Steve’s apartment to advise him that Lana was spotted in Key West with her new boyfriend, who was not only better looking than him, but appeared to be in possession of a more substantial amount of money; enough money to afford an affluent vacation and the lifestyle to which she was accustomed. Steve swaggered at the door of his studio apartment, smelling of booze and tears, and stated, “I know, I saw her Instagram. She’s full of piss and vinegar, that one.”

And so, despite our attempts and those of his friends, Steve seems steadfast in his belief that the woman who would never be happy with him, somehow would still care about his uncomfortable descent into madness.

We’d have more on this story as it develops, but let’s be honest, we all know how this tale is going to end.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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