A defiant President Trump announced today that he is granting his ex campaign Manager Paul Manafort a full pardon for all past and future crimes. He then proceeded to appoint him Secretary of the Treasury. "He is a good man and loves his family and his country. After all, all of us have cheated on our income taxes at one time or another! AND we all love our families and our country! I have always said, let he who gets stoned first take the blame for everyone else! YEA, FORSOOTH AND VERILY!"
In further actions this morning, Trump also issued pardons for Judas, Benedict Arnold and Typhoid Mary. He then told Fox News in a television interview that if he was impeached, the sky would turn black, the Earth would cease spinning, and that he would go bodily into heaven. "I was told by God," said Trump, "that he would consider it an honor to sit at my right hand!