Michael Cohen uses "Trump defence" in court

Wednesday, 22 August 2018

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Trump Prison is perfectly designed for Trump, when he finally goes there

President Trump's former lawyer and "fixer" Michael Cohen has been charged on eight counts of fraud and other financial crimes, including tax evasion and paying off Stormy Daniels for having to sleep with the orange leader.

Unusually, Cohen defended himself using a novel tactic commonly known as the "Trump defence". He used techniques that the President often uses on Twitter to distract attention from his own suspicious and potentially criminal behaviour.

To begin with, Cohen shouted loudly that the trial was "rigged" and "a witch hunt". He repeated these two statements until the judge ordered him to be quiet and said that if he would not be more specific in his defence then he would be charged with contempt of court.

He then tried to dismiss the allegations against him, calling them "fake news". Prosecutors replied that they had substantial evidence of his crimes, as they had demonstrated during the trial, and there was nothing "fake" about them.

Finally, as it looked likely that he would be found guilty, Cohen resorted to an old favourite of Trump's. He blamed Hillary Clinton. "Where is her email server? That's what I want to know!" The judge dismissed his complaint and asked him to respond to the charges against him.

Cohen ended by chanting "drain the swamp" and "lock her up" as he was led back to his prison cell.

He is likely to spend up to seventy years in prison, which is unfortunate as he will be dead for the latter half of his sentence.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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