Written by Wesley Janson

Wednesday, 22 August 2018


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Epididymis, Iowa. Two missing prep school students were finally found after a long and intensive 40-minute search that included 3 school buildings, 2 gas stations, and a nearby dumpster.

Billy Crud, 18, and Eugene Snotwater, 17, were reported as missing from the boy's dormitory at St. Aleister Crowley Preparatory School around 10:30 pm last Tuesday.

Bobby Fux, a campus security officer, found the two young men at a local gas station attempting to purchase cigarettes and a pornographic magazine.

"The images in the pornographic magazine they tried to purchase were very disturbing," Mr. Fux told reporters.

"In one picture, a helpless male gym instructor was handcuffed to a chin-up rack while two naked women were peeing on him. In another picture, a woman was on her knees in the middle of a circus cage pleasing 4 male clowns and a zebra at the same time. Because the pictures were so incredibly foul, I've decided to keep the magazine in my own personal file cabinet so that nobody else can gain access to it," he stated.

Franklin Cock, the School Headmaster, said that the behavior of the two young men did not really surprise him.

"These particular students were always somewhat rebellious. They would often skip class, turn in homework late, steal food from the cafeteria, sleep during 'chapel hour,' make prank phone calls, flirt with female students, and put their fingers in places where they should not have been," he disclosed.

Unfortunately, being 'off campus' after 9:00 pm is considered a very serious offense at St. Aleister Crowley Preparatory School. In accordance with the rules and guidelines established in the Student Handbook, Billy and Eugene are scheduled for execution next week on Friday at 1:30 pm.

Billy Crud will be disemboweled with a pair of scissors, a hunting knife, and a large cooking spoon before his body is thrown into a pit full of wild dogs, and Eugene Snotwater will be taken to the basement of the Administration Building where he will be given a series of powerful electric shocks until his face melts off and his head explodes.

Their open-casket funerals will be held in the Campus Chapel the following week.

Clothing and all other personal items belonging to the two young men will be donated to St. Brad's Educational Center of Second Opportunities for Those Who Sincerely Need Them and to St. Todd's Institution of Potentially Violent Imbeciles.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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