Written by Wesley Janson

Friday, 17 August 2018

image for School Principal Openly Admits that He is a Power-Hungry Sack of Shit

Aaron Downing, a 45-year-old Principal at St. Lincoln High School, openly confessed last Tuesday that he is a big, stupid, arrogant, smelly, jerk-off, fuck-face, power-hungry, sack of shit.

"I would like to take this time to announce that I am, without a doubt, a political-minded, two-faced, tampon-licking, ass-fucking, egotistical, power-hungry, sack of shit," Mr. Downing told news reporters who were gathered around the steps of the high school.

"When I was a child, I used to enjoy building snowmen in my back yard and then knocking their heads off with a baseball bat," he continued.

"As I grew older, I knew that I had an internal desire to exert needless amounts of power and authority over people, so I found my natural calling in the Field of Education as a Principal," the douche bag further explained. "I needed to be in a place that falsely claims idealistic values, such as learning and growth, but that is actually loaded with horrible politics and back-stabbing," the poop-sniffer added.

Aaron told the news team that he used to be a teacher himself, but that he no longer has any sympathy for them now that he has become an administrator. For the past 10 years, he has had an amazing career which has allowed him to make teachers' lives even more miserable than they actually have to be.

"Teachers work really hard planning lessons, dealing with students, grading papers, communicating with parents, designing curriculum strategies, and continually finding ways to manage their massive work-loads. When they finally find a way to balance all of that, I basically shift the 'educational direction' of the school every 5 years so that they have to struggle even harder to stay on top of things," Mr. Downing explained.

"I also micro-manage them and make them explain every little thing they do in the classroom every single day of every week. After they turn in their curriculum maps and their elaborative lesson plans detailing exactly how their teaching strategies connect to Educational Standards, I take all the paperwork, I pull my huge penis out, and I masturbate all over it," he said.

Mr. Downing also confessed that the school uses massive funds to build huge gymnasiums for students who don't have futures as professional athletes and that they refuse to hire teachers with Master's Degrees because they don't want to pay them too much.

He does, however, enjoy putting potential 'new hires' through an extremely rigorous interviewing process so that he can see them sweat for a while before he wipes their resumes on his ass and throws them away.

"I don't even call them back to let them know they didn't get the job," Mr. Downing laughed hideously. "That's something they taught us how to do in the 'Educational Leadership Seminars' that I attend every month."

"Here's another really cool thing we do in the World of Education," he continued.

"When teachers get old and tired after all the hard years of dedicated service they have given us, we force them to retire early by giving them the worst students and by continually harassing them with demands to show that they are using educational strategies that conform to current standards. When they can't stand it anymore, we give them a shitty watch and then kick them out the door. We do that, of course, because we don't want to pay them the high salaries they deserve. We need that money to build bigger gymnasiums."

"And as long as I'm being completely honest about how the horrible politics of Education actually work, I may as well confess that I'm fucking the School Secretary, the Assistant Principal, and the Janitor who works the night-shift. And you know what? THEY ALL LIKE IT!" Aaron concluded before walking back into the school building.

St. Lincoln High School currently has teaching positions available...

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!





Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
48 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more