Written by Wesley Janson

Friday, 17 August 2018

image for Woman Highly Unimpressed With The Man She Was Stalking

34-year-old Sharon Brooks, a violent, emotionally-disturbed, hyperactive, obsessive-compulsive, delusional, narcissistic nymphomaniac with a history of mental illness and a criminal record longer than a 'coast-to-coast' railroad, said that she was highly unimpressed with a man that she had been stalking for the previous 2 weeks.

"I couldn't believe just how fucking boring his life was," Sharon said in reference to 39-year-old David Moore, a man she was originally infatuated with, but who she eventually discovered to be more 'dull' than the kitchen knife she used to stab her last boyfriend with.

"He wakes up every morning and spends at least 50 minutes in the bathroom, which leads me to believe he's constipated," she stated.

When asked more about David's daily routine, Sharon explained that he goes to work for an insurance company on Monday through Friday, comes home at exactly the same time, takes a nap, eats a microwavable dinner, takes another 50-minute shit, and then watches really lame TV shows for 3 hours before going back to sleep.

"I became so bored watching him that I almost fell out of the tree in his back yard," Sharon told lead reporter, Mike Temples.

"And his weekends are even worse," she continued. "He comes home on Friday and drinks cheap beer until he falls flat on his face. When he wakes up around 1:00pm on Saturday afternoon, he goes to the gas station, buys more beer, and does the exact same thing! On Sundays, he basically just stumbles around trying to do his laundry."

Sharon went on to explain that she has decided to give up on men completely.

"I was really disappointed by this entire experience. After all the energy and effort I put into it, I basically got nothing in return. At one point, I even left a love letter on the windshield of his car describing all the erotic and intensely sexual things I wanted to do to him. He read it, yawned, and then kept drinking beer. What a jerk!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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