In a unanimous decision that leaders were quick to praise for its stunning lack of partisanship, the United States Congress decided to raise its own pay to a whopping 980,000 dollars a year, an increase of 300%, citing the 2 percent rise in the cost of living as an unbearable burden.
When asked where the money would come from, Senator Paul Ryan, laughed briskly, then spoke while slapping himself on the back, "We will raise the money by the genius move of lowering the minimum wage to 17 cents per hour."
The total douchebag continued, "For years, workers have exploited the system, asking for handouts for things like rent and medical bills, and this abuse ends today."
He then sacrificed an immigrant baby, and drank its blood.
