Nashville Man Makes Yet Another Bad Decision

Written by Chrissy Benson

Tuesday, 24 April 2018


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After making some unfortunate choices while high on cocaine, Bart Biggs is freshly determined to make better decisions.

After a lifetime spent piling up wrongdoings and regrets, 32-year-old Bart Biggs of Nashville, Tennessee, made yet another bad decision.

“On the spur of the moment, I did a bunch of coke at a party and blew off a job interview at Vanderbilt the next morning,” Bart explained regretfully. “Add it to the list.”

According to Bart, the position at Vanderbilt University, in the philosophy department, would have been rather a dream job. He says he can hardly believe that, once again, he failed to seize a valuable opportunity, the likes of which is unlikely to ever come his way again.

“At the same time, though,” he added, “I can totally believe it. I do this kind of shit all the time.”

Bart stated that he briefly considered contacting the university to try to reschedule his interview but figured what was the point.

As unfortunate as the decision to do a bunch of coke and blow off an important interview might have been, Bart noted that, in fact, it was perhaps not the worst of his decisions that particular night. High on cocaine, he texted his ex-girlfriend, who he knew would be a sure thing for some casual sex. Ordinarily, says Bart, the one-night stand with his ex might not have been such a terrible decision - except that after the encounter, his former girlfriend revealed to him that she has herpes. Apparently, she'd picked up the non-fatal but incurable STD about three months ago, shortly after she and Bart broke up.

“No active outbreaks right now, though,” said Bart. “So fingers crossed on that one.”

Bart stated that he's taken some real life lessons from the wild evening of cocaine and casual sex and from now on is going to to make a real effort to make better decisions.

“Seriously,” he emphasized.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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