Written by Orvis Talbot

Sunday, 1 April 2018

image for Swimming BANNED at the Jersey Shore in 2018
New Jersey to ban swimming at Shore in 2018

Governor Murphy announced he will be signing the Bill passed last week by the Democratic lawmakers in New Jersey to ban swimming at all beaches on the Jersey Shore this year.

House Bill 1916 was passed through both Houses last Thursday.

Speaker Prieto said, “This Bill is in response to 3 shark attacks at the Jersey Shore over the last 10 years. By banning all swimming at the Shore, we are eliminating shark attacks.”

Sarah Buttler, an avid swimmer, business owner, longtime Shore resident, and organizer of the ‘March For Our Rights’ protest in Trenton a month ago stated, “Democrats are dumb. I’m 62 years old. I’ve been swimming down the Shore every summer of my life. Now, they want to take away another right. I won’t stand for it.”

Sarah is standing her ground, despite the backlash from Democrats in the State. They’ve held counter protests in front of her hair salon, have organized boycotts of many of her distributors (3 of which have dropped her), and even bullied her grandson at his Elementary school.

One of the counter protestors, a female who goes by the name of Stephen said, “This woman hates children. How many more children have to be killed or maimed before she realizes that banning swimming is the only way? Sharks were designed by God to kill. That is their only purpose. Swimming at some beaches in Australia was banned 3 years ago and they haven’t had a shark attack since.”

Lawsuits are already being prepared. We’ll keep you up to date on any further developments.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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