Written by Dave Henry

Thursday, 29 March 2018

image for Area Man Doesn’t Know What Constitutional Is

After 40 years of taking his "daily constitutional," an area man is shocked to discover what a "constitutional" actually is.

"I thought it meant taking a crap," said Phil Buttons, an area man who lives in the area. For 40 years, Buttons had proudly proclaimed to his family every morning, newspaper tucked under his arm, that he was going to take his "daily constitutional." He'd disappear into the bathroom for 20 minutes and emerge refreshed.

His wife Anne never questioned it. "I didn't know what the hell constitutional meant," said Agnes. "I thought it meant taking a crap, too."

A recent survey of Americans finds that only 20 percent know what a constitutional is. Further, 90 percent of that 20 percent wonder why it's called constitutional.

Buttons discovered the hard truth about what it meant from his neighbor, Dick Johnson, who took real daily constitutionals every morning – that is, he took walks.

While the two were chatting over the fence last week, Dick Johnson said, "We should take our daily constitutionals together. We can chat. It’ll be fun."

Buttons admits to thinking this was a weird suggestion by Johnson. "Why would he want me to take a crap with him?" Buttons wondered openly.

At first, he politely declined, but after constant goading by his neighbor, Buttons half-heartedly agreed. "Ok," I said. "He seems really into me coming over and taking a crap with him. Hopefully we'll be in two separate stalls."

When Buttons asked where they would take their constitutional, Johnson responded, “We’ll just go down the street.”

“Down the street?” Buttons said. “Aren’t there laws against that?”

Johnson just laughed it off. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning,” he said.

But the next morning when Buttons showed up at Johnson's house with a newspaper under his arm and his special roll of toilet paper, he learned the hard way what a constitutional was.

"We had a good laugh," said Buttons. "Then he kicked me out. We don't talk much anymore.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Constitution

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