(Washington, D.C.) Ahead of a blizzard expected to cripple the northeast, President Obama today signed a sweeping Executive Order that his critics say is a brazen attempt to consolidate more unfettered power into his hands. The President granted unprecedented authority to the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA), giving them, in effect, the power to declare martial law in any jurisdiction that experiences snowfall accumulating "above the shoe-tops of an average law enforcement officer or EMT."
In a press conference earlier this evening, FEMA announced its three-pronged approach to protecting citizens expected to be hardest hit by the storm. Chief Administrator C. W. Fulmina spoke to a growing number of reporters outside the White House after receiving direction from the President.
"Food, shelter and safety. Those are our priorities. Being a father himself, Mr. Obama has declared the children in the path of Winter Strom Neptune his greatest concern. We are all mindful that during the last storm we had a significant number of casualties from collapsed roofs. Far, far too many.
"Many homes were just not safe. That's why we have established a plan to protect children from this risk. The strategy will serve two critical functions: it will keep children out of harm's way of course, and it will also serve as an extension of our most recent cultural exchange program, Hands Across the Sea.
"The Muslim Sisterhood has offered - and President Obama has accepted - a plan to shelter storm-battered children in their choice of any of the specially fortified structures they maintain throughout the Atlantic seaboard, an arrangement that will come, coincidentally, at no cost to the American taxpayer. All children under the age of 12 will report, six hours prior to the first blizzard warning, to their choice of mosque or Islamic educational center listed on our handouts.
"Naturally, this will be a mandatory evacuation. Parents, freed of the stress of frightened children, will be housed in high schools and National Guard centers set aside for them. Law enforcement will deploy extra neighborhood patrols to ensure the safety of every vacant home."
Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell called the executive order an affront to the Constitution but said that, until the storm passed, there was little either chamber of Congress could do about it. An irate Speaker Boehner called an emergency leadership meeting to review their options, but also conceded that, for the time being, the executive order would be upheld.
Vice President Biden, citing public safety and the frequent tendency for weapons to misfire in extreme cold, announced the suspension of all open-carry weapons laws while the storm is in effect, adding, "And just to err on the side of caution, we've ordered all gun and ammunition stores to be closed for three days before and after the blizzard."
The FEMA Administrator also sketched out two additional aspects of the master plan: "It's clear that the cities of Boston and New York will be unable to dispose of the enormous accumulations of snow within their own boundaries. But offers of aid from trucking firms have been pouring in. We've been fortunate enough to have received pledges of assistance from Consolidated Freightways, Roadway Express, J.B. Hunt, Con-Way Transportation and Yellow Freight Systems, all of whom will make available vast fleets of trucks to haul away the snow."
Under union rules, the trucks will be loaded with snow by municipal workers, driven by teamsters, and serviced by federal maintenance workers. Union bylaws also stipulate that the trucks must drive the snow as far south as it takes until their load melts and then return for more.
Asked if the trucking companies were offering their assistance gratis or for hire, the FEMA director responded, "Well, the details haven't been totally worked out yet, but I believe the arrangement is for the companies to be reimbursed by the federal government at an 85% rate. So, if that's where you're heading with the question, yes, in a roundabout way the taxpayer will be underwriting this operation...critical for the well-being of all."
FEMA Chief Fulmina concluded the press conference by outlining the final part of the President's plan: "In storms of this magnitude, there is also the very real danger of starvation. Therefore, for the public good, FEMA reserves the authority to confiscate, at will, groceries and provisions from the pantries of private households in unaffected neighboring states (likely to be Virginia, Kentucky, and the Carolinas)."
UPDATE: Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell has just registered a proposal to invoke an emergency funding loophole that allows the Senate to authorize a 'one-time, temporary funding appropriation' for emergency purposes.
Speaking to reporters in the capitol Rotunda, McConnell said, "It's clear that we can not stop this President's arrogant and totalitarian actions, but - working within the confines of his own order as written - we can render it null and void. His actions are triggered by a prescribed level of snowfall.
"If, however, the snow does not reach above the shoe-tops of our brave first responders, then it seems that the provisions of the Executive Order would not be brought to bear. Our only recourse now is this - and it may well set a precedent and save the nation from future actions by this reckless president: we have ordered Dingo Harness & Company to begin to equip our law enforcement and medical personnel with thigh-high boots. And, with God on our side, they will fill the orders before the storm hits."
