After decades of an expanding - and largely ineffective - "War on Terror," President Barack Obama recently succeeded in disarming the militant jihadist group ISIS using merely his trademark smile.
Sources report that in a confidential meeting with representatives of the terrorist group that calls itself the Islamic State, Obama offered a grin so disarming that it rendered the remainder of the peace talks unnecessary.
"It was uncanny," recounted a stunned Obama aide. "A flash of those pearly whites was all it took to disarm these hardened terrorists. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes."
President Obama is frequently complimented on his smile, which has also been described as "disarming," "brilliant," and, by one British news anchor, as resembling a "split watermelon." However, the recent breakthrough with ISIS marks the first time that Obama's disarming smile was directly put to the test - yielding results far beyond what any ordinary "peace talk" could have realistically hoped to accomplish.
Many in the press also refer to Obama's "trademark smile" - a moniker which the president says he has decided to take more literally. No stranger to the power of advertising and marketing, in 2008, the Chief Executive garnered Advertising Age's highly coveted "Marketer of the Year" award. And fresh from the success with disarming ISIS, Obama stated that he plans to pursue an actual trademark, as well as a patent, on that disarming smile of his.
"Things worked out well in this particular situation with ISIS," noted Obama, "but it would be extremely dangerous if my smile were used indiscriminately to disarm everyone and everything. The defense industry is what drives this nation. And while it's good to disarm terrorists, we certainly don't want to disarm our country's bread and butter."
One group that more than agrees that the president's disarming smile could pose a severe threat to society at large is the National Rifle Association. NRA spokesperson Chris Cox stated, "We will not allow law-abiding gun owners to be harassed or intimidated for engaging in lawful, constitutionally-protected activity - nor will we allow them to become scapegoats for President Obama's disarming smile."
Indeed, Cox predicts dire consequences resulting from the president's disarming smile - trademarked, patented, or not. "I spotted that dangerously disarming smile a mile away," he claimed. "Consider yourself forewarned, my fellow Americans: what happened to ISIS when subjected to Obama's disarmingly ingenuous grin could also happen to happen to decent, law-abiding citizens exercising their Second Amendment rights."
Cox noted that while the Bill of Rights establishes a right to bear arms, it does not provide for any constitutional right to smile. And, in fact, the NRA asserts that Obama's disarming smile, insofar as it operates to deprive American citizens of their lawful firearms, is actually unconstitutional.
Unfazed by the accusation, President Obama disarmed his critics (using his you-know-what) and remarked with a shrug, "Hey, I've been called worse."