Following the multi-count indictment unsealed this morning against Paul Manafort, US Postal Inspectors have initiated intense scrutiny of Mr. Manafort's conventional snail mail.
So far, by 2:00 PM EST Monday, Mr. Manafort has received 20,640 solicitations for landscaping services for his home in the Hamptons and 6,423 offers for discounted housekeeping duties. Postal inspectors assume that the (31) page indictment of Mr. Manafort and his associate, Rick Gates, has been read by more people than the entire student population of NCAA Division I schools upon the release of the latest issue of "Hustler" Magazine and apparently generated more excitement. It's been speculated the indictment itemizations outlining payments of $20,000.00 paid by an offshore account for less than thirty days of home cleaning services at his Hampton estate and over $800,000.00 for lawn and gardening services sparked intense commercial interest. Federal agents also reported Manafort's front door has been festooned with flyers and cards for various miscellaneous services, ranging from vermin removal and swamp draining to ads for exterior Christmas lighting.
A rumor floating around the courthouse where Manafort surrendered to U.S. Justice Department officials and entered a plea of "not guilty," has it the presiding judge, US District Magistrate Judge Deborah Robinson in accepting the plea, directed Mr. Manafort not to go above the first floor of any building, not to go swimming or to take any walks unsupervised by the Justice Department as prophylaxis for any unforeseen mishaps. Also, drinking tea is prohibited and at no time should Manafort leave his residence while under house arrest during a rainstorm. Mr. Manafort has also been advised the Justice Department will provide an electronic ankle bracelet for GPS monitoring and under no circumstance is Mr. Manafort to commission a customized equivalent from Harry Winston or Tiffany's.
In related business news, eighty-seven shell companies associated with Mr. Manafort have mysteriously been liquidated of all assets and filed for bankruptcy. So far, the money trail leads through Somalia, Pitcairn Island, Sakhalin, and Eniwetok.