Portland. A local man admitted to several news organizations that he had called the police on his next-door neighbor for allegedly "watching too much cable news." Breaking down, sobbing, a clearly distraught Mr. Ned Vuntler said, "I just couldn't take it anymore."
Police Chief Earl Tired (pronounced ti-REE-DEE) expressed skepticism. "In my years of law enforcement," he sighed, "it never dawned on me that a person's TV viewing habits could be subject to criminal prosecution, penalties, fines, fees, and whatnot. I thought maybe this Vuntler guy had some sort of mental disorder, or something like that, you know, a major loose screw, a carton with no eggs, something like that."
When asked what changed his mind, Chief Tired replied, "I did a little digging."
According to sworn testimony by neighbors who now keep their distance from both Vuntler and his neighbor, it all started about a week ago at a backyard barbecue.
Another neighbor, Bert Nard, explained, "We were having beers, you know, the usual routine at a barbecue, when this guy says, 'Watch me Wolf Blitzer this beer.' Then he guzzled the beer in front of everyone, even the little kids. I thought that was a little weird. Well, it didn't stop there. He went on to say, 'Hey, does anyone know how to Jake Tapper this keg? I want to Wolf Blitzer some more beers!' The strange part was, there wasn't even a keg around. It was about then that I grabbed my potato salad and went home."
The lack of corroborating evidence almost stymied the investigation, until Emily Vortstoppler bravely stepped forward.
"She's a hero," Chief Tired cheered.
Vortstoppler explained how the neighbor's behavior spiraled downward. "He kept saying, 'Look at my garden. Aren't those rows of beans FAIR and BALANCED?' Well, who could respond to such gibberish? And then he got into heated arguments, shouting down everybody with 'Hannity-Shmannity!' By this time, about three people and someone's dog were still at the barbecue."
Vortstoppler's live-in friend chimed in, "And he kept saying 'BREAKING NEWS, the hotdogs are done!' How annoying is that?"
"I can top that," claimed Stanley "Thor" Erklson (pronounced ran-DOW-SKEE), neighbor teen and president of Free-lance Lawn mowing Dude, & Stuff, Inc. "First, he gives me a beer, and I'm like, that's pretty cool, so I'm not going to rat him out for that. And then he starts bragging that he's dating that hot Megyn Kelly chick who used to work for FOX news, but Trump says there's too much blood coming out of her so FOX had to fire her. And I'm like, no way dude, she's about twenty leagues out of your league. And she's married. What a perv! Well, he's all disgusted and everything and starts shouting me down with 'Fake News! Fake News! Liberal Media Bias!', so I take my beer and go home. Who needs that? And my dad says all serious like, 'Where'd you get that beer?' Now I'm like, I just can't win--beer wasn't even cold."
Beyond the eyewitness testimony, Chief Tired discovered the overzealous cable news watcher had built a TV studio in his garage, complete with a set, lighting, old monitors, and cameras made from pizza boxes-none of it functional. "That was it," he said. "I was convinced Vuntler did the right thing ratting him out. I'm happy to report, Cable News Boy is now behind bars."
A week later, Vuntler voluntarily admitted himself to the local psychiatric hospital "for observation--just as a precautionary measure." At the time, he suspected he'd be there a day or two. Currently, doctors suspect he'll be locked behind cinder block walls well into the foreseeable future, and-in this fluidly developing update--according to an investigative blogger-who believes there's more to this story than anyone is letting on-Vuntler's condition has deteriorated markedly since a new roommate started watching MSNBC nonstop.
He's thinking of pressing charges.
In a related story, the neighbor is now out on bail and planning a weekend barbecue. "This just in: Everyone's invited!" he exclaimed in his best anchor voice.