Today the world's media gathered, all seven elderly Caucasian men, to discuss headline news which "will happen" in 2017.
The seven, representing 98.3% of the planets mainstream news' outlets, met at Chappaqua, New York in a palatial summer residence listed as owned by Mrs. Hilary Diane Rodham Clinton - a retired Illinois housewife and former recipient of Yale Law School.
To preserve impartiality it was agreed that Mrs. Clinton (Democrat Party), with her husband, Mr. Bill Clinton (Democrat Party) along with HRH Prince Faisal of Saudi Arabia (prime-financier to The Democrat Party) would chair the meeting.
Tribute was paid to both former US President, Barrack Obama and UK Prime Minister, David Cameron and their respective administrations for their outstanding co-operation in the manufacture of news during the past decade. With new leaders now set in place, it's time to feed yet more irrationality into our psychosis!
Speaking after the meeting, Hank Austerlitz of Buull Shyt Global News Corporation gave a lengthy explanation of what to expect: "Hysteria is here to stay, we love it and you are going to get more of it. There is no doubt 2017 offers a fresh and exciting challenge. This is the Dawn of the Mushroom Age, by keeping you in the dark and feeding you copious amounts of shit daily", he boasted gleefully.
"It's clear we need to invent more bad guys in The Middle East. In 2017 we, your media, pledge to give you The Axis of Evil Pt. II. Currently, The Saudi Arabian Royal Family are drafting up a list of countries to be vilified, sanctioned and eventually ex-communicated from The United Nations. It is hoped through our sustained propagandal efforts to sway public opinion in such a biased way, as to make these countries 'fit for invasion'".
Furthermore, Mrs. Theresa May, Prime Minister of The Dis-United Kingdom, is very enthusiastic to include The European Union on the list. Austerlitz continued "We will spin something sensational don't worry! We will 'leak' evidence that Brussels is Islamic State and that Angela Merkel is Muslim. A peace agreement will be signed, when British & Saudi Arabian warships are spotted off the coast of Belgium, leading to a EU surrender. UK Peace Envoy, Mr. Nigel Faraj (sporting a Gerri Halliwell Union Jack dress) will broker a 'fair' peace deal where Brussels will suffer the ignominy of declaring that:
Germany, Sweden & Denmark (including it's principality Greenland) are indeed part of The British Empire and to be included within The United Kingdom forthwith.
History will be rewritten that England won 8 World Cups along with Wales single triumph in 1958.
The President of The European Union, Donald Tusk, will be mercifully sentenced to death in The Tower of London (exclusive on Pay Per View TV) by receiving death by disembowelment.
A move that will receive the full backing of The United Nations" (regardless if given or not).
With Trumpism, it seems that Buull Shyt Global News Corporation have further ambitious plans set aside regarding their TV schedule for 2017, things that Austerlitz feels will be educational. Prepare for a flood of DIY shows focusing on how to build architecturally sound nuclear shelters. TV chef, Gordon Ramsey has been signed up too, where he will cook freshly collected roadkill from fellow presenter, Bear Grylls, in a bid to get people more familiar with post-apocalyptic diets. It seems our music tastes will be forced to change also as the mainstream media have gone on a frenzy buying several Death Metal Music Production Companies. Arrangements are already advanced for American Idol to hold a special Dying Fetus Tribute Episode in keeping with the global anger.
Like him or loathe him, it seems the media's war on Donald J Trump is set to intensify. Austerlitz continued, "We hate to admit it, but, we secretly love him. We love to decipher and when we can, twist his tweets. Then again, he is a total idiot, we just love to pour fuel onto the fires he creates. I can reveal, he will be impeached by his own party on August 23rd next and placed under house-arrest, while speaking one-on-one with Larry King. That special interview will be exclusive to our network only, so folk's please upgrade your subscription service at a knockdown $19.99 a month (based on twelve-month contract and other terms and conditions)'.
Lastly, Austerlitz did reveal briefly plans to air at an unspecified date, a new TV reality series called 'Trump Behind Bars', where it was hoped his network would gain the rights to shoot a fly-on-the-wall special set on Guantanamo Bay.