Three of America's top retail giants will be selling the brick & mortar of their soon-to-be defunct department stores to the United States Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) to help build the Wall between the United States and Mexico - all in an effort to do their part in keeping America safe.
"I'm going to show ICE the 'softer side of Sears' by selling them all our brick and mortar for the everyday low-price of only 17 cents a pound," said Sears CEO Edward Lampert while wishing mankind had never invented the Internet. "And I've calculated that when Sears is finally thrown onto the ash heap of retail history, we would have donated enough rubble to build a section of wall between El Paso to San Diego."
Barnes & Noble CEO Leonard Riggio has also agreed to supply ICE with debris needed to help wall off the USA from Mexico.
"We currently have 2 trillion tons of brick & mortar that's just sitting there and not generating a profit," he said while offering a free spaghetti dinner to anyone who walks into a Barnes & Noble and 'actually buys a CD'. "And to further help construct Trump's wall," the CEO added. "..Barnes & Noble will throw in 800 million square feet of hardcover books we've not been able to sell, such as 'Bristol Palin: Not Afraid Of Life', 'David Hasselhoff: Making Waves' and 'Snooki: Life of a Guidette' - finally putting those worthless manuscripts to use."
Dave Brandon, the CEO of Toys 'R' Us, will also be providing ICE with the brick & mortar needed to construct The Wall - but with one string attached.
"We will happily supply ICE with the crumbled remains of our stores to help build their Wall," he stated. "..so long as they incorporate the body of Jeff Bezos somewhere deep within the 1900 mile structure, preferably alive, to never be seen or heard from again, and impossible to ever recover with any construction machinery on earth."
As of the writing of this article, the three aforementioned retailers have donated enough brick & mortar to keep 309 Mexicans, 22 stray dogs and 9 rattlesnakes from illegally entering the United States.