Nuclear option baby-proofed to prevent President Dump Truck from blowing us all up!

Funny story written by StubbornGorilla

Wednesday, 9 August 2017

image for Nuclear option baby-proofed to prevent President Dump Truck from blowing us all up!
"Oh $#!%"

After the president Unpresidentially resorted to rhetoric usually ascribed to lunatic dictators in response to North Korea's typical "give me money" antics, the Joint Chiefs of Staff decided that preventative measures needed to be taken.

Newly minted Secretary of Defense Jim Mattis wasted no time corralling the often unbridled Commander in Chief. "Since, the President is unaccustomed to the fine art of diplomacy we have taken the necessary steps to make sure he doesn't accidentally write a check that America's butt doesn't really want to cash."

The Secretary was believed to be referring to the new White House policy of hiding the nuclear codes inside a book. The thought being, there is a 0% the president will ever open a book, even if he feels like nuking somebody.

General Joe Dunford explained, "We originally were going to hide it in the President's own Bible, but then we realized he might start waving it around when his conservative base starts to figure out the last time the President was in church he was in diapers, and we don't mean depends."

It was determined that the safest book to hide it in was War and Peace, because, "it was big enough that there was no chance Trump would risk picking it up to show how tiny his fingers are, much less consider reading the thing."

Deputy Secretary of Defense, Pat Shanahan explained that they also took measures to remove all markers from the Oval Office to prevent the president from writing the codes on his hand. "It was a bit of a habit he was getting into," the Deputy Secretary explained. "It usually worked itself out, since he wipes his mouth with his hands after lunch, and the grease from the fried chicken usually smeared a few of the characters so he couldn't read it. Our concern then became, what if he requested the codes during one of his 3:00 a.m. tweet storms, and decided to fire off a few weapons before breakfast?"

The nuclear suitcase that is always at the president's disposal was also addressed. "We just put baby locks on it," Mattis explained. "Through direct experience with the President we have observed that if anything takes him more than two minutes to figure out he usually loses interest in. It's kind of like dealing with an orangutan." Secretary Mattis reaffirmed his confidence that there was no way that Trump could figure out baby locks within that narrow of a time frame, even with his "baby-sized fingers."

"Listen, the President has the same freedom of speech as every other American, so he can talk all the fire and whatever the hell else he wants. We just want to make sure that when he sounds off like a total tool bag he doesn't accidentally start World War 3."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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