Written by T. Loaf

Thursday, 3 August 2017

Anthony Scaramucci, Donald Trump's former communications chief, has been surpisingly appointed Head of Mediation Issues for the cabinet by British Prime Minister, Theresa May.

"What a colourful fellow, he'll brighten things up around here. Just what we need. I had hoped Boris would add spice, but all he can do is ride a bike and garble Latin aphorisms. Scaramucci will lend our messages a new ....... glow. And I do love Americans. I can't wait to hold Donald's hand again. So uplifting!"

Scaramucci was clearly thrilled when he addressed waiting journalists at Heathrow. "Looking for modern diplomacy? Here I am. Hell, Trump just couldn't follow, I felt sorry for the motherfucker. But here. No crap. In you are, said Theresa. No more Senate bitches and assholes, and once I get to deal with that jerk Corbyn, he won't know what party he's in. I'll stay off Queenie, though. Don't wanna piss on baggage like that. Not fair. Queenie's out of bounds. Thank you."

A podium discussion featuring Scaramucci and Jacob Rees-Mogg, MP for North East Somerset, is planned for tomorrow. It is expected journalists will be outnumbered by linguistic researchers.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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