Written by StubbornGorilla

Monday, 24 April 2017

After almost every other staff member of President Trump's (brief pause to vomit) administration has either royally screwed up or committed outright treason, The Donald's son-in-law has been announced as "Secretary of Everything".

"We trust Jared with everything," the President stated. "If he's good enough to handle the sexiest first daughter in history, he is good enough to handle the problems of you people," he added unnecessarily. "I wish I could handle her the way he does to be honest with you. Who wouldn't?" the President continued, to the disgust of all in attendance.

With a heavy workload already set for Jared including but not limited to: peace in the middle east, resolving the opioid epidemic, criminal justice reform, meeting with foreign dignitaries, totally reforming the federal government, and personally putting every infant in America to bed with a lullaby each night, it was hardly a surprise when he was awarded his new title of Secretary of Everything.

Unnamed sources close to the administration have admitted that Kushner is given an extra four hours each day beyond the typical twenty four that most people are afforded to handle his heavy workload. They describe Kushner's typical work day as "packed up to the second with critical humanity defining responsibilities with occasional moments to breathe and go potty sandwiched in just before a photo op or six with his charming and equally industrious wife, Ivanka."

People who have personally witnessed Kushner in action said that "he makes it look effortless." They did not confirm whether that meant that he was so incredibly capable that he makes holding the weight of the world on his shoulders look easy or it it actually appeared that he wasn't putting forth any effort or accomplishing anything.

When asked how he felt about his ever increasing position in his Father-in-law's administration, Jared just gave a slight nod and a winning smile. It is not know if he is just oozing the quiet confidence we are told is his hallmark or if he is just a deer in headlights that has no idea what is going on. Ivanka has assured us that he is just so smart and on top of everything. Since, she is well spoken, pretty and seemingly sensible with no vested interest in any of it whatsoever, we are happy to take her on her word. Her Presidential father giggled like a little school girl when she said "Jared was on top of everything."

Fortunately, with an impressive resume that includes having his father buy off Harvard so he can attend despite unimpressive grades, and making bad land deals after being gifted the reins of his dad's real estate empire when he went to jail, it is perfectly clear that this 32 year old guy has the credentials to tackle the country and the world's most pressing problems. It is also quite fortunate that he has the steady hand of his wise and temperamentally sound father-in-law/President to lend guidance when his life experience seems to fall short of offering him the knowledge and wisdom that he needs to basically be second in command of the free world.

So please, be thankful that this kid is there to keep our country from the brink of destruction. His totally uniformed, nepotistic, and potentially criminal placement as one of the most powerful men in the world is nothing to be alarmed about. He probably just stays at a Holliday Inn every night, which we all know instantly make you an expert at anything you need to do the next day. So, if thinking about this terrifies you to your core, just chill out. Maybe have a drink. Don't take any opioids though, or Mr. Kushner may personally show up at your front door to wag his finger at you.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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