New York … The Earth is running out of gravity, according to an ongoing study by the US Environmental Protection Agency. The researchers found that a lack of the attractive force was directly responsible for the over 60,000 disappearances last year, up 90% from 2015.
"We don't know much more about gravity than Galileo did when he first got his hands on a telescope," said Rubin Poulans, the EPA's manager of the mysterious. "So we don't have an answer to this problem. We'll just advise folks to stay indoors whenever possible, drink plenty of fluids, and steer clear of gluten.
"But they can have all the sugar, salt and fatty food they want because this gravity thing is going to get them no matter what they do."
Scientists at the Gravity Academy of John Hoppins University seem similarly clueless about nature's least understood force. "All we know is that it's a horrible way to go. One minute you're walking down the street living life, and the next you're floating halfway to the Moon, without a molecule of oxygen in sight."
Poulans said that the EPA did develop a program that attempted to rescue victims who were sucked into space."They had to buy a NASA surplus space suit and wear it all the time they were outdoors.
"In the event of a gravity hijacking the suit would protect them during their Space Odyssey, buying us time to pick them up with the space shuttle. The problem is we don't have the shuttle or any other manned spacecraft capable of a rescue mission. We're not equipped to be a tow truck for some out of luck, outer space hitchhikers."
But some so-called space cowboys disagree. "We get a lot higher than those opioid users the government is drugging." Poulans said.
Meanwhile, spacesuits are in high fashion on the Internet. "I know it's not a solution but if it can give you a few more hours, it's worth it," one buyer said.
Russia has announced that it is opening a new spacesuit factory in the Ukraine, and restoring its inventory of "gently used" Soyuz space capsules. US President Donald Trump is considering an investment in a Soyuz franchise on the East Coast. "Give me a week. I need the time to contemplate the gravity of the situation," he said in a tweet.