Trump Appoints Hannibal Lector To Head War Dep't

Written by Keith Shirey

Wednesday, 14 December 2016

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Donald Trump said today that the term "Defense Department" is too PC. "I'm re-naming it the War Department and I've appointed Hannibal Lector Secretary of War."

"Who is better to run a department of permanent war than a serial killer?" asked the President-Elect. The undersecretary of the department will be Charles Manson, who directed killings by the "Manson Family." Of him, Trump said, "His record speaks for itself. He will be a great asset for the War Department. "Let's forget this PC stuff, what the military is for is to kill people. Lector and Manson good at it."

Said Lecter, when reached for comment, "It won't only be the buzzards who feast on the dead bodies of America's enemies."

Steven K. Bannon, Trump's chief of staff said that the primary task of the War Department would be to look after America's corporate interests abroad. For example, Bannon said the new department would supplement Exxon Mobil security interests. As background, Exxon Mobil has its own armies - and, in these days of outsourcing, also hires those of others.

In the war-racked Niger Delta, Exxon Mobil gave boats to the Nigerian Navy, deployed its own vessels at sea to scout for pirates and recruited, paid, supplied and managed sections of the Nigerian military and police. On their uniforms, the Nigerian police sported Mobil's familiar red flying horse.

Bannon, said, "We need to use U.S. military to protect oil and other forms of carbon pollution. But not just them, but the U.S.'s far-flung corporate empire. I'm sure that with Mr Lector and Mr Manson at the helm this will be accomplished. God Bless America and, of course what we're doing is to make America great again."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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