Burlington, VT - Vermont's Build-A-Bear Workshop hasn't had a Christmas season this profitable in a long, long time. And it's all thanks to their two Russian hacking bears!
Yes, it seems that America (mostly republicans) has gone completely wild for the newest bears in the toy company's vast lineup of cuddly characters. The two gruff-looking pale white bears with ill-intentions are flying off the shelf this holiday season, complete with little cigarettes in one paw, while the other paw taps away at a stuffed stolen laptop.
"We can't answer the phones fast enough!" claimed a very sweaty Suzie Snugglesworth, head of customer service at the bear workshop. "Republican parents and their illegitimate off-spring are gaga for all things Russian this season. But I guess, hacking American presidential candidates and tampering with our elections is pretty cute... if you think about it."
Mrs. Snugglesworth assures all customers that any orders placed before midnight on December 20th will come with Cozy and Fancy Bear's new best friends - FBI Director Bear and U.S. President-Elect Bear, which she readily admits looks more like a stuffed pig in a bad wig.
"Unfortunately, no one is interested in the Hillary bears at all," adds Mrs. Snugglesworth. "Even though they come with the cutest little pantsuits and unbreakable glass ceiling above them. Oh well, we'll probably just donate those ones to a bunch of Mexican kids that are about to get deported. Beats throwing them in the trash, I guess..."
Mrs. Snugglesworth also warns parents that the cigarettes that come with the hacking bears are real and will need to be lit for children under age 12.