Trump Is Putin's Lackey

Funny story written by Keith Shirey

Monday, 12 December 2016

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Again, the medium Maude Smithie of Los Angeles claims to have channeled the voice of the 20th century cynic and satirist H.L. Menken. I present what he allegedly said because, at least to this reporter, it seems plausible.

Says Menken: "In his new book, 'In Defense of Stupidity," George Tenet, CIA Director under George W. Bush admits he told Bush that it was a 'slam dunk' that Saddam Hussein Had Weapons of Mass Destruction, which every non-stupid person (this excludes republicans) knows he didn't.

Also, Tenet in his writing somehow strangely declares, "In retrospect, we got it wrong partly because the truth was so implausible." Dear Listener, do we understand? The Chief Spook's slam-dunk remark was not based on facts. That's what he is saying. Look, any analysis not based on facts means that the CIA was wandering about in coo coo cloud land.

"Let's take a look at the American Empire's Super Spys! The CIA incompetence was breathtaking in not predicting the collapse of the Soviet Union. The Spook's vision wasn't merely myopic, it's as if it had no eyes to see with.

In 1992, responding to criticism that the Central Intelligence Agency failed to forecast the collapse, its director, Robert M. Gates, conceded "shortcomings in the agency's analysis." Shortcomings? It depressingly fails in its major task of the time and it's sort of like getting a "B" on a test instead of an "A" because there is a shortcoming? Something like a little glitch?

"But now they've screwed up again. In early October the Agency knew that Trump's best pal, Vladie Putin, was trying to destroy Hillary Clinton's election chances by having WikiLinks release Democratic Party hacked e-mails that would embarrass, if not destroy, Hillary. But, fair-minded and impartial folks that the CIA fellows are, they simply said to the American people that it seemed that the Russians were trying to 'disrupt the American election.'

"The election is over and now the U.S.' Great Unwashed have chosen their new, Glorious Leader, Donald L. Trump. So, only now the CIA reveals that Putin was trying to help his lackey Trump win, so that Vladimir could, unchallenged in the future, keep his Troops in the Ukraine and bully Russia's nearby Balkan countries of Romania, Slovenia, Croatia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Serbia, Montenegro, Macedonia, Bulgaria, Albania, as well as countries on its border like Lower Slabvoia and Repulsivestan.

Of course another of Putin's ambitions is to cut another trillion dollar oil deal, with Exxon Mobil. So, maybe Putin admirer Rex W. Tillerson Exxon's Chief will soon be Secretary of State? At any rate, we'll see some Putin. Trump, ExxonMobil deal made to destroy the planet.

"Putin's intelligence community's hack job on the supremely powerful Democratic National Committee reveal that she more than just liked Wall Street, that the DNC gave her preferential treatment over Bernie Sanders, that Hillary didn't really want to admit that her use of a private e-mail server was a mistake, and other stuff that actually made her look not real good.

"The CIA could have countered this, to repeat myself, that Putin, was trying to destroy Hillary Clinton's election chances by releasing Russia's democratic party hacked communications that would embarrass her through WikiLinks

"Was the CIA slow to release its assessment because they're fair-minded and didn't want to interfere in the U.S. election and therefore let Putin interfere in the U.S. election and put Trump in the White House? They couldn't be that stupid, could they?" This concludes Menken's remarks.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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