President-Elect Donald Trump today announced his plan to visit all 20 states that he failed to carry. The speech delivered from the Trump Tower lobby is made the case that tour would benefit the country by making sure "this historic election will be remembered for generations by these voters who fought against a Great America."
President-Elect Trump has guaranteed free tickets & torches to residents of states that voted for him to "turn these blue states red" in order to make good on his pledge to unite the country under his administration. Supporters will be able to upgrade to premium tickets to receive complimentary Christmas presents which will also be available for sale at strategically placed gift stands at his rallies.
Trump will be using the tour to support his platform for the coal industry as well: "My administration will see these hippie fools come to appreciate the coal industry. The war on coal must stop! I will make sure these ecoterrorist pinkos don't waste your public money on solar or wind or any of that other crap. We're cutting them off from other energy & they're gettin' coal for Christmas!"
The Republican National Committee released a profile of the tour which will include planned stops in each state that failed to support Trump as well as unplanned stops in those states that will not be announced to the media. Included in the profile are menu items, a catalog of merchandising, celebrity guests, and a playlist of songs Trump plans to have played.
Trump also mentioned making sure only "real Americans deserve American Citizenship" but no one from the Trump transition camp was available for clarification on this new pledge.
No American president or president-elect has ever held a presidential victory tour before Trump's first one this month & no national leader has held victory rallies since the thirties. The unprecedented tour will kick off in Buffalo & focus on the western seaboard before heading back to curve up the eastern states & make its way back to Buffalo. Trump also intends to sail around Hawaii in a Yacht just before enjoying his Christmas plans.
President-Elect Trump summarized his announcement with high expectations for the tour: "This is gonna be the best victory tour ever just like my last one. There's never gonna be another one as good as this one's gonna be. Nothing like it. Nothing."