Trump Says U.S. Military Is Stupid But Beautiful

Funny story written by Keith Shirey

Friday, 9 December 2016

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The United States has the most powerful military in the world and in 2015 spent more on the military than the next seven biggest-spending nations combined.

For fiscal year 2015, military spending is projected to account for 54 percent of all federal discretionary spending, a total of $598.5 billion. The percentage of the budget spent for military purposes - past, present, and future wars - is much higher than commonly assumed. The amount these days is 62%. (This tells us that the main purpose of the U.S. Government is to conduct military operations but that's another story.)

For Donald Trump, the U.S. military is underfunded and too small. He wants to spend billions more for war. Trump stated yesterday, "I know the pentagon is notorious for waste and inefficiency. I know they're stupid. I know in a recent audit, the Pentagon Cannot Account For $6.5 Trillion Dollars of Taxpayer's money but it really doesn't matter because we love our military. Don't we? We love our military."

He further stated, "It's clear that a smaller military force today consumes a budget more than 50 percent larger in real terms than before 9/11. The military is spending more on a smaller force. I know they don't know how to build stuff like I do and, of course, I'm smarter than the generals. But still, the military is a beautiful thing, believe me. Even though I got a draft deferment for the Vietnam War because of some condition I can't remember, I cheered on the guys who were getting killed and maimed."

"In our time of permanent war it doesn't matter if our courageous people at the Pentagon waste seventy-one cents for every dollar. Those twenty-nine cents pays for our heroic war corporations to make stunning weapons to defend the fatherland. We're going to make America's military great again!" He added, "We don't have victories anymore. We used to have victories, but we don't have them. I want to win, win, win!. We'll start by doing torture beyond waterboarding and killing the families of suspected terrorists."

The GOP does not see the military as part of big government, which they say they despise. They often throw red meat to their base by saying that it's a good thing to cut back on food stamps for hungry kids and otherwise destroy the safety net to increase the pentagon's budget.

Paul Ryan, GOP Speaker Of The House said, "I wouldn't spend money on infrastructure because that makes the government too large and I believe in small government. But spending money on war? Well that's another thing."

It seems likely that President Elect Trump will get his wish to make America's military great again. The U.S. military hasn't won a real shooting war since 1945 and Mr. Trump says he will change that.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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