We agreed at the beginning of our association with this site that we wouldn't tackle any issues that our commentary could inflame further. As such we have kept away from the hilarious cluster fuck that is Donald Trump's Presidential campaign. But after his latest comments on women emerged we just simply could miss up the opportunity to talk to the most controversial man in politics. Well we did the first time round because we were still drunk from the night before and missed our scheduled meeting with him. However Donald was happy enough to grant us a interview later in the day.
We were sat in the hotel restaurant eating the free bread when he swept into the room. He spotted us from across the room and he made his way toward us. Occasionally he would pick at other diners food as he went, no-one said a word against it.
He sat down with a mouth full of chicken.
When you're famous you can do whatever you want.
We couldn't not agree with that. As a culture the Western world has created a cult of celebrity which elevates them away from normal social behaviours. With this in mind we still believed if he took any of our bread he'd get a fork in the hand.
So Mr Trump-
Please call me "Mr Trump"
Today has been a great day. A great day to America great again.
Donald turned and cocked his head and looked for a moment like he was posing for cameras we couldn't see.
So Mr Trump. You've shook up American politics, got the Republican candidate nomination, released a string of inflammatory statements and have just stated that men should just "grab women by the pussy".
Well the point about that is-
Sorry Mr Trump that wasn't a question. We we're just listing facts.
Let me tell you something about "facts". Corrupt Hillary uses "facts". I don't use "facts" I use truths. Truths like I will build a wall, I will keep all the Muslim terrorists out and I will make America great again.
He reaches across and puts a "Make America Great Again" cap on a nearby child's head and steals a turkey dinosaur from his plate. He stares at us as he eats the dinosaur head first. It is gone in three bites.
So half the country think you're a raging cunt and the other half think your white Americas saviour made flesh and blood.
Again your misunderstanding us. These aren't questions their facts.
Is this an interview or not?
Who know's what any of this is anymore. We're out of Europe, a reality TV star is running for President we still don't have hover cars ferrying us about. This future sucks.
My plans to-
Who care's? You get in now or a smarter, cleverer Trump mark two get's in later. One that can hold all the same horrific opinions as you do but manage to keep their fucking mouths shut. If your defeated it won't matter. You're merely the angry, hate filled face of a nationalistic pus filled spot. Even when you eventually burst your bile and infection will splurge out over everyone in attendance. Your words of division have already seeped into the ears of those who wanted to hear it. Even if as you claim you are no racist or homophobe your statements have legitimized such beliefs in those who held them. You do it all as under the symbol of protecting America and her interests but you're really just a self serving ass hat curious at how much international attention you can garner.
It's still not a question Donald. Have fun at the debate tonight and try to remember that it's about actual politics. If you keep bringing up things from the past then somebody will eventually go through your closet. We bet it's like a fucking graveyard in there.
Mr Trump got up to leave and we felt a groundswell of pride begin to radiate in us. It started in our feet, ran it's course up our legs, infected our torsos before exploding into our hearts. We couldn't believe we hadn't once mentioned that "Trump" is a British word for "fart"! Finally we are becoming more and more mature with our journalistic approach. We felt that the anus was on us not to make such a crude joke.
ONUS we meant ONUS! Shit.