Washington DC - A tape strategically leaked to the press by the Clinton campaign has led to calls for Trump to drop out of the race. Most of those calling for him to drop out are major figures within the Republican party still bitter that the voters of that party repudiated them by nominating Donald Trump last year.
"Trump is a disgusting man who dishonors the party and is not fit to be our candidate," said Ana Maria Navaros, a closet champion of open borders.
"The very idea of furniture shopping should turn off all evangelical voters," said Jeb Bush, whose family despises evangelical voters, primarily because the overwhelming majority of them are not from Connecticut and those that are are highly unfamiliar with basic pleasure boating terminology.
Paul Ryan disinvited Trump to a rally of all Wisconsin Republicans in Wisconsin, saying that the leaked discussion of Trump's discussion about furniture shopping means it's high time to put all this talk about not adopting secret trade deals that surrender American sovereignty to international corporations to rest.
"The folks in Washington need to get back to making sweetheart deals with corporations, foreign governments and international trade organizations with ties to both Japanese and Russian organized crime and call it free trade in order to bamboozle the Ayn Rand fan base portion of our party's constituency into doing what's best for guys like me," Ryan said.
Ryan called the idea of leveraging the privilege of trade with America to get foreign policy concessions from hostile powers "ridiculous" and "counter to my blind long term, unwitting dupe agenda of continually weakening America on the international stage."
"No country, except every single country but America, would ever do such a sensible and realistic thing."
"Free trade," Ryan bleated.
Ryan said that the Republican Party needs to get back to its roots.
"This party was built on giving lip service to the policy objectives of our voting constituents during elections and then doing back room deals with our donors that run completely counter to what we promised the voters during the election," Ryan said. "We need to get back to doing just that."
"Hear Hear!" said conservative pundit Bill Kristol, the only enthusiastic, and attentive, member of the otherwise dispersing audience.
