Washington DC - Appearing in what he called a "Dakishi" and then apologizing in case he pronounced the word wrong, President Obama today told reporters in the White House briefing room that there was "no fucking way" he would sign a bill allowing victims of family members who perished in the terror attacks of 911 to sue the government of Saudi Arabia for damages.
"Were this bill to become law, it would send a signal to other governments out there thinking of providing thinly veiled support for terror attacks against the United States not to do it," the President said, holding up his right fist.
In the question and answer period that followed, Obama was less reticent about Saudi involvement in the attacks of September 11, 2001 than he has been in the past. He also called reporters "bitch" and "honky motherfuckers" and grabbed his dick to emphasize most of his major policy points.
"Listen here you bitch-ass, honky motherfucker," the President said to pimple scarred Major Garret, "any dipshit worth his weight in the dill weed reefers I smoked before coming out here to answer to you neocolonial, imperialist, press-stooge apologists for America's Imperial project of global control knows God damn well that the sand-negroes of Arabia were behind the attacks, and God Damn It- good for them!"
White House Press Secretary Josh Ernst conceded later that the President's use of the term "sand-negro" might have been "inappropriate" and that "sand person of color" would have been better.
Following the dressing down, Reporter Major Garret appeared stunned but recovered, and looked ready to ask a follow up question but then sunk into his chair, utterly deflated, after Obama said he'd answer Garret's follow up question but only if Garret came up to the podium and "sucked my fat-ass, motherfuckin' black dick."
Asked by Robert Jones of Reuters if elements within Saudi security forces supported terror groups, the President responded with the rhetorical question "is my dick black and has it been up your white, fat-ass wife's fat-ass bitch, motherfuckin' ass?"
Analysts and observers of Saudi Arabia have long contended that the government provides clandestine support to anti-American terror groups in order to control the organizations.
"Their goal is to redirect radical Islamist animus against the Saudi regime towards western powers, the United States especially," said Roger Smithe, Senior Researcher for The Middle Eastern Policy Group, a non-partisan, foreign policy think tank in Washington DC. "It is a way of keeping a lid on terror attacks within Saudi Arabia that lead to repressive responses by the government that have backfired and, ironically, have only fueled further hatred of the regime."
Smithe went on to say that the "Saudis are usually not a particularly ironic people" and attributed the absence of irony to the fact that they were not "wry" and lacked the kind of "bemused detachment" to see the "folly of their social norms and customs" - such as blowing up American skyscrapers, holding hands with other men "like fags," and "walking around in bedsheets for Christ's sake." Smithe said "most Arabs are weirdos."
Obama said he'd never heard of any such studies and said he wouldn't look into them because he was sure the author was "some dumb-ass honkey bitch motherfucker" who as a professor told his most promising black students to give up their doctoral candidacies in Political Science and be janitors instead.
"Shiiiiiiiiiiiit," the President said, and then grabbed his dick and said "I got your janitorial mop right here motherfuckers."