Hillary Clinton Sets New Sights on Sainthood

Funny story written by JennyNorthStar

Monday, 5 September 2016


The funny story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

image for Hillary Clinton Sets New Sights on Sainthood
Hillary Clinton

Vatican City - On Sunday, Mother Teresa, revered for her work with the poor in India, was proclaimed a saint by Pope Francis in a ceremony at the Vatican. Tens of thousands of pilgrims attended the canonization in St Peter's Square.

Francis said: "St Teresa had defended the unborn, sick and abandoned, and had shamed world leaders for the "crimes of poverty they themselves created".

In India, a special Mass was celebrated at the Missionaries of Charity, the order she founded in Kolkata (Calcutta).

Following the proclamation and not be outdone or overshadow, the Clinton Campaign leaked the fact that Hillary Clinton was on the Vatican's short list for the next beatification.

A Vatican spokesperson said: "Although Mrs. Clinton isn't dead yet, we believe she is more than worthy by her great works, the miracles she has performed, and we need to get a head start on the process."

With Hillary already ahead in the presidential polls, her presidency seems almost assured. As previously reported Friday, 12 August 2016 on this website, a new poll even showed Hillary beating Jesus when going head to head.

Robby Mook, Clinton's campaign manager, commented on the Vatican's decision to move forward: "Soon Hillary will be breaking the "glass ceiling" by becoming the first U.S. woman president.

"Next, only the sky is the limit!"

There has been some concern that Hillary might be losing some of the Jewish voters when the news gets out, but Sainthood is clearly next on her agenda. Her soon to be predecessor, Barack Hussein Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize shortly after he took office. Hillary plans to "trump" that with canonization.

Although there were some dissenters concerning Obama's award, like Australia's former Foreign Minister Alexander Downer who said that the selection was "a political decision of gross stupidity", laying the blame on the selection committee for a "hideous display of cynical politics." Many Clinton insiders believe that sainthood is the next logical step to elevating Hillary Clinton to the place she rightfully deserves.

To reinforce the Vatican's decision and solidify the claims that Mother Teresa and Hillary are equally deserving of sainthood, the Clinton campaign released the following comparison using Hillary's own words.

Reasons Why Mother Teresa and Grandmother Hillary Are Saints

Mother Teresa: Worked with lepers
Hillary Clinton: "I had a girl friend once with psoriasis and sent her a jar of petroleum jelly."

Mother Teresa: Prayed for lost souls.
Hillary Clinton: "I pray daily that Anthony Weiner and Bill will leave their willies in their pants where they belong."

Mother Teresa: Operated 517 missions in more than 100 countries serving the "poorest of the poor".
Hillary Clinton: "I set up the Clinton Foundation. We have pictures of poor African children on our website."

Mother Teresa: Lived a life of celibacy and chastity.
Hillary Clinton: "Bill and I haven't had sex for over 35 years, including not having makeup sex after I gave him a black eye after finding out about Monica Lewinsky."

Mother Teresa: Performed Miracles.
Hillary Clinton: "I turned dead broke into a family fortune worth millions and avoided a FBI indictment for my homebrew email server."

Mother Teresa: Fed the hungry.
Hillary Clinton: "I leave at least one shrimp on each shrimp platter."

Mother Teresa: Ran hospitals for the terminally ill.
Hillary Clinton: "I helped with Obama Care."

Mother Teresa: Is a woman.
Hillary Clinton: "Everyone knows women are saints - just for having to put up with men who are all horny dogs."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more