Lackluster Musician's Vindictive Nature Causes Irreparable Damage

Funny story written by Andrew Lafleche

Wednesday, 27 January 2016


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In standard teenage-girl-throwing-a-tantrum format, the talentless nobody, Amber Coffman, dramatically accused well known-music publicist, Heathcliff Berru, of sexual assault.

On Monday afternoon, Coffman, best-known for her vocal contribution to the band Dirty Projectors, posted a series of malicious tweets, one of which claimed "a very popular music publicist RUBBED my ass and BIT my hair at a bar a couple years ago."

The tweets continued late into the evening, eventually naming Berru, the Founder and CEO of Life or Death PR & Management, as the assailant.

It is unclear whether alcohol provoked this 31-year-old, struggling musician, to finally break her silence.

In an interview with the CBC yesterday, Coffman shared her story.

"It was just crazy," she said, preparing herself to describe the traumatic experience she survived and what has undoubtedly been the reason her music career fell off like it did.

In early 2013, when the assault is alleged to have occurred, Coffman was attending a concert at the Bowery Ballroom in Manhattan. During a private gathering back stage at the venue, Coffman gave Berru her phone number. After the exchange, the group walked to a nearby bar to host the after party.

"I'd just gotten a drink and I saw him [Berru] from the other side of the room," Coffman recounts. "And he walks over to me."

While greeting Coffman, Berru is alleged to have leaned toward her and rubbed his hand on her bottom.

"I just completely froze. I was totally shocked," she said during the interview.

Bravely, Coffman told Berru that she'd "Be right back!" and ran to her three male friends.

"I told them, 'that guy over there just grabbed my ass.'"

Coffman had her friends escort her back to where Berru was to get her drink, and claimed Berru offered her a compliment before he touched her hair.

"Considering how dangerous the situation was, the ultimate goal was just surviving it," Coffman confessed.

Tragically, Amber Coffman has been living with the effects of this trauma for 3 years.

Members of the indie music community have remained silent on the issue. In an age where anybody with a Twitter account is permitted to inflict irreparable damage with impunity, it's often safer to remain silent.

However, Truth Media was able to obtain comment from several professionals in the industry, conditional on securing anonymity.

"When I first heard about the tweets, I thought it was a joke," one musician commented. "I never imagined the story would gain traction like it has. It shouldn't even be a story."

"It's the great witch hunt of today," another said. "Everybody is eager to burn someone at the stake regardless the accusation. Even if Heath did do it, when did a flirty gesture fall into the same category as rape. It's disgusting."

A female colleague close to Coffman had this to say:

"I'm appalled. Having actually been a victim of sexual assault and still dealing with the post-traumatic stress that something like rape causes; I don't know. I feel like she's trying to minimize what happened to me. I don't support what she's doing."

During the interview with CBC, Coffman admitted having not given any thought to the gravity this story would have.

"I'm not a vindictive person," she added. "I don't think revenge feels good."

Following Coffman's inaugural tweets, several other woman have claimed similar experiences while drinking with Berru.

Berru resigned from his company earlier this week and released a statement to LA Weekly.

His statement began, "There have been several reports about my alleged inappropriate behavior which deserve a response. I am deeply sorry for those who I have offended by my actions and how I have made certain women feel. If I crossed the line of decency or respectfulness in situations when I was drunk and under the influence, there is no excuse of course."

In response to Berru's apology, Coffman said, "I thought [his statement] was pretty offensive, to be honest."

"There can be times when people mess up a bit and they get help; I'm still trying to figure out where I sit with that - but in a case with someone like Heathcliff, for him to hurt so many people over and over again; I just don't know if there's any coming back from that."

"I don't feel sorry for him," Coffman said, concluding the interview. "I hope men will see it as a wakeup call. Men who behave as Heathcliff did will see that there are consequences."

As this story unfolds, one thing is certain: every action has a consequence. In the wake of this latest smear campaign, by validating the accusations of one vindictive individual, a man's career, family and reputation have been permanently damaged. Enough with the nonsense. The consensus here at Truth Media is: Shame on you Amber.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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