Baltimore, MD - He was so different. He was black but Canadian. He was black and specialized in Hockey commentary and play by play, sometimes assuming a fake French accent when he did the latter at a velocity quicker than even the most amped up Peruvian.
"He will be missed," said Roone Arldge, executive vice-chair of Public Relations for ESPN. "His death comes as a great tragedy and reminds of all of our mortality, how all of us could just as easily pass from existence if, like John Sauders, we elected to suck off at least fifty different guys and attempt to swallow all of their resulting simultaneous ejaculates in one big, death- defying gulp."
Mr. Aridge spoke to reporters in order to revise an earlier press release following Saunder's death a few days ago.
"Then, we called his passing a mysterious tragedy," Aridge said. "We conveyed to the public our sense of nihilistic ennui that things happened for no reason, that ours was a Godless existence, bereft of reason, following no rules, leaving us no anchors of reality upon which we might moor our very lives. We said "one day he was there, calling a Hockey game, and the next, he was a goner. As dead as the dirt on the bottom of our shoes. Well, we were wrong. His death was well deserved and makes perfect sense. We are here to tell you that he drowned in semen, and thanks to that knowledge, we can also proclaim that God and Reason are not dead after all."
Admitting to have been wrong to have initially released such a depressing message so quickly, , Aridge explained that, upon discovering that Saunders choked to death because he drunkenly attempted to ingest "unGodly quantities of squirting semen from untold numbers of violently erect cocks," that Saunders death "made perfect sense."
"Contrary to what I said a few days ago, Saunders death does not leave us wondering what the point of it all is. If you try to swallow all at once gallons of semen being blasted from an unholy number of gay cocks simultaneously, something bad will inevitably happen, and you can rest assured that the bad thing will happen to you, not any of the cocks," Ardirge explained. "The universe is not at all bereft of meaning. It follows some pretty simple rules, one of which, obviously, is that human lungs cannot bear the brunt of being under a sudden, flooding siege of massive amounts of human, or any other kind of jiz. The same probably applies to all gooey substances, like Greek yogurt or cottage cheese, for example."
Funeral services had been scheduled for this Sunday, but were cancelled by the family of the deceased, who concluded that a person who chose to die in such a putrid and vile manner did not merit an honorable burying.
"Really, the right thing to do would be to dump him in a forest and let the wolves take care of him," said Saunders' disgusted sister.