Anguished mother sues juice company over container of backwash

Funny story written by thomas o'hanlon

Saturday, 23 July 2016


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I'm aghast!

As Peggy Horton began pouring herself a glass of orange juice from the Crop-o-land container she knew right away something was off. "It was not orange, it was somewhat clear with whitish clumps of goo here and there" she said.

"On behalf of my client" attorney Saul Bronstein said "we are suing the Crop-o-land Orange juice company for assorted reasons that are in Latin"

Spokesperson Karen Hart of Crop-o-land said "our lab has had access to this container and we have found that the expiration date is 4 months past so we have determined that the backwash that is present came from her 5 teenage boys taking turns swigging gulps of juice from the container for the last half of a year. Perhaps Mrs. Horton should be aware of the expiration dates and her family's drinking habits."

"She can kiss my ass" replied an angry Mrs. Horton upon hearing the Crop-o-land comments. "They are obviously not denying that the carton of orange juice that they sold me now contains teenage boy backwash" pausing suddenly as her eyes grew large she then added "My oldest son, Harry has been dating that slut, Noreen Slurpee from down the block and who the hell knows where his tongue has been. All my boys and I may now be infected with Noreen Slurpee vagina disease!"

"My client" said Mr. Bronstein while draping an arm over the shoulder of the anguished Mrs. Horton "is going through hell, waiting for medical tests to come back to see if her or any member of her family is afflicted with Noreen Slurpee vagina disease. No one should have to go through this turmoil after drinking orange juice, No one!"

In what may be considered an incriminating move, the Crop-o-land juice company is now including a backwash preventer valve on all Crop-o-land juice products.

"Yeah, we were going to do that anyway" said Spokesperson Hart "swear to God…we were…what?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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