Caucasians Riot After Not Being Given Preferential Treatment

Funny story written by Tosh Smash

Friday, 15 July 2016

Civil unrest has erupted in the small town of Sandwich, Massachusetts after a slew of incidents in which the white population was being given the same treatment as its minority residents. The trouble began late Tuesday afternoon after a troubling episode following a routine traffic violation. Steven Salsbury, 35, was driving home from the bar that evening when he was pulled over for reckless driving. The ensuing events resulted in Salsbury being asked to exit the car, and even consent to a pat down and vehicle inspection.

"It was completely uncalled for. I don't think I've ever been so humiliated," said a distressed Salsbury who has since had to undergo counselling for psychological distress. "I mean, I made it clear when he pulled me over that we were both white. I even pointed to my skin repeatedly."

The Sandwich PD released a statement stating that they stand by their officer's decision to pat Mr. Salsbury down, saying that Officer Bryant had varying degrees of probable cause.

Not two days after Mr. Salsbury's encounter, another white resident, Billy Hill, almost had a gun pointed at him by law enforcement during a traffic stop. According to Hill, the officer asked for his license, and as Hill went to reach for his wallet, which was almost two full feet away from his shotgun, he saw the officer instinctively put his hand on his weapon.

"I still can't wrap my head around the whole thing," said Hill, still obviously shaken by the event. "I mean I know that I've been getting a lot of sun lately, but I still find it difficult to believe that the officer could have mistaken me for an Arab, let alone a Black."

According to the majority of Sandwich, these are not isolated occurrences. According to reports around the town, more black professionals are being hired even against white men with almost equal qualifications. Also, a white man was apparently not permitted entrance to a middle school after he forgot proper identifications. After he began to argue, he was told to leave because they had "seen what his kind can do to school children".

"It's just not fair," said PTA mom and outspoken voice for the white community Janet Shipman. "Just because the majority of school shootings are by Caucasians doesn't give the school the right to treat us the same way that they treat others. I mean, it's not like we're gangsters or smelly terrorists."

The town of Sandwich has been flooding the streets and shutting down Town Hall for the past couple days. Police barricades have been deployed only to be met by the sounds of Lynard Skynard and viral videos of the Blaze network host Tomi Lahren.

"We just have to do something now before things spiral out of control; next thing you know we'll have minorities giving us distrusting looks or talking badly about us behind our backs," said longtime resident Cindy Peckerwood. "Sandwich is a town that prides itself on being 'white bread,' and we intend to keep it that way.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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